The Jewel of the Five Kingdoms

Anastasia Lucendent Adela

I am a mess.

  Not only have I lost my brother, but now my best friend too. It was incredibly cruel. Like a punch in the gut that never seemed to fade.

  Just because of a stupid thing called love.

  My emotions have never been so jumbled. Do I love Magiano? I thought I could, with time and getting to know him more and more, and now I don't want to because of what he said.

  What do I feel about Arthur? The handsome young prince is obviously kind, and I remember fully the way he hung by my side during the panic of when the news was announced. He was a quiet strength, the kind of power that could be useful by my side, and the mysterious sparkle in his eyes pulls me to him in ways I can't explain.

  All those feelings turned into a hurricane of scattered emotions when James died. I can't do anything without thinking about him.

  I see him in my parents. How they walk and the shapes of their faces and eyes. In my brothers, and their youth. Everything around me is tainted with his presence, or lack of it, and I can't look at anything without seeing him in it.

  His ghost haunts the castle hallways. I haven't told anyone yet that I see his figure, flashing in and out of the corner of my vision. What would Mother say? Would Father think I am ill? That I am unfit for the throne?

Yet despite my best attempts his face doesn't disappear. His figure just beyond my reach, and never allowing me to turn directly to face it.

He was trying to tell me something important, but doesn't have the voice to tell me. All he could do was stand there, a sad smile on his face as he watched me. At first I wondered if he was my guardian angel, always there watching and always protecting. Now I realize he's a nightmare. Something I can see but never touch. Something I can never have again.

A week after the funeral my mother came into my room with quiet longing. I have been spending most of my time locked away in my room reading now, Arthur's words of being able to get lost in another world pull me towards the pages.

When I read, I can go away for only a moment and forget all my problems. It is easy to allow myself to fade away, but then I must return to my reality. I can never escape it.

I know my absence from the palace halls hasn't gone unnoticed. It should make me feel better that my family and friends miss me, but it only makes me ache more and pull further away. I no longer talk to my maids when they prepare me for the day, and though they try to draw my old self out of the distant person I am now I don't respond.

Mother sits on the edge of my bed, but I don't look up at her. She knows I am aware of her presence, and if I look up I would have to look into her eyes. James's eyes. I am a coward and can't make myself do it.

"The princes want to resume with the competition," she begins cautiously. I hadn't looked up before then, only a hum of acknowledgement that she was here, but at this I am startled and I can't stop myself.

Her blue eyes are red and puffy from crying, her hands trembled softly and she looked fragile. Like glass on the brink of shattering. Despite weeks of seeing her like this it still surprises me.

My parents have been even more affected than I. Of course they are, they just lost their first born son. Though unlike me my parents have a better way of hiding their mourning, only crying when they think we can't hear.

At first, I was outraged by the fact the princes and the Clans would want to continue the competition, my fury flared up at me like embers waiting to spark a fire, but Mother softly reminds me it has been almost three weeks now.