Deaf Wish

Chapter 35

"Why didn't we take the car?", I asked after we exited our neighborhood, immediately regretting even saying anything. "Because the weather isn't even that bad and the Café we're going to is right around the corner.", he gave me a gentle smile, before turning his head back to the front, to actually look where he's going.

He made good points, but the car would have been more comfortable, to be honest. The umbrella wasn't as large as I had first thought, because we were pretty cramped up, walking right beside each other, shoulders touching. My heart was beating a little faster than it should, but I didn't really mind, I was okay with how close he was. Heck, I even liked it. I wanted him to be as close to me as possible. It's so weird for me to think that, though. I shouldn't be and I know that, I'm only confusing myself more.

We arrived at a little Café called 'Soul', entering after he had put the umbrella together and placing it near the door. It really was a sweet place, almost like a huge living room or something. Decoration and furniture was more homely than anything else, considering the counter with the two waitresses and the huge coffee makers. The two ladies greeted us and one of them showed us a free seat in the back of the rather small room. Only a few people were actually in here, two couples and one guy with a laptop.

Nathan sat down across from me, smiling as the waitress left with our order. His black hair was rather messy, considering how it normally looked, but his eyes were just as sparkly as always. "So, what are your plans for the weekend?", he leaned a little back, his arms both rested on the small wooden table. "Uhm, nothing, maybe hang out with Claire. What about you?", maybe he'll ask me out again. No, wait, not asking out, I mean, ask to hang out. Not in a date way, just in a...

"I'm not sure yet. Too bad nobody's throwing a party, but tomorrow I'm painting a few walls in our house, so if you want to, you can help me.", he smiled as I nod in agreement. "Sure, I'd love to.", that was actually not what I intended to say, it made me sound like a looser. "Great, I can come get you if you want to. Good opportunity to drop the cookies off. My mom baked some for the whole neighborhood, a little late if you ask me.", I just watched him as he talked, taking in every change of his features and the way he smiled while talking.

"I think that's very sweet of her to do, though." The waitress came back with one cappuccino for me and a regular coffee for Nathan, leaving with a shy smile in his direction. Maybe she's attracted to him? But can you blame her? He looks perfect in every way possible and so is his gentle and caring character. How can you not fall for him?

Fall for him....

Did I already fall for him or is this just a weird thought that got caught inside my mind? I never really thought about being gay, not once in my life to be precise. Of course, after his... confession, I started to question it, like,could it really be that I'm into guys? Knowing that he does, wasn't any help, it made it worse. I don't want to hurt his feelings,leaving me with mixed emotions every time I see or talk to him.

What if I can't return his feelings? What if I'm not gay?

A soft touch on my right hand made me flinch for a split moment, before adjusting up to his face."Are you alright? You've been staring at my shirt for five minutes, is something bothering you?", his hand doesn't let go of mine, instead, he turns it over to intertwine our fingers, his thumb rubbing over the back of my hand.

"I'm fine, there's just...there is a lot on my mind lately and I can't seem to focus on anything. I'm sorry if I bothered you with that.", he looks at me in... I'm not quite sure how to say this, I've seen this look on his face before, but I was never really sure where to put it. He gives my hand a light squeeze. "Please don't apologize for something like that. I'm guessing part of it is because of me, isn't it?", he looked directly through me, a tiny smile on his lips.

I just nod, dropping my head down a little, before taking a sip of my cappuccino with my free hand. And yet again, I'm completely killing the mood, good job. His warm fingers lift my chin so my eyes met his. "Please don't think about it anymore. I should have never said anything in the first place, then you wouldn't be stressing yourself over it. I'm fine with just forgetting what happened.", both of his hands let go of me,retreating back to his body.

My eyes widen at his words and the hurt expression in his. How could he say something like that? I know it's only been a week, but I never in my life got attached to aperson in a time period that short. He was different than all the other people I have met and I don't want that to change, I want him to maintain that status and I want him to show me the answers to all of the questions I have.

But I'm scared!

What if he changes his mind once he gets to know me more? I'm nothing like him! He could do so much better with everything. Nathan could have everyone he wants, why me?Why would he like me, of all people?

"Don't say that...It's just... uhm... I never really had to deal with anything like this before. I've never been in a relationship with anybody and I never actually fell in love. Also...", I lower my head a little, tryingto keep my voice as quiet as possible, "I don't know if I'm gay." Not quite daring to look up at his face, I glance at him a few times."I know, but I don't want you to jump to any conclusions, before actually figuring out what you're feeling.", for a split second,he was about to touch my cheek, but he pulled back beforehand.