Thoughts and Stories

Songs, Man

AN: This is based off of a true event that happened to me last week. Almost all of it is true, if just a tad exagerated.

We're on the bus home from our cross country meet. He looks depressed. I almost want to ask what's wrong, but I know the answer. I can read it on his face.

It's her.

It always is. 

I don't understand how he can put himself in so much pain over one girl. Then again, look at what I've gone through for him. And still, I'm here. Sitting in the seat in front of him. Staring at him with concern as he stares at him phone.

He glances up at me, and I want so much to look away, but his eyes captivate me like they always do. Orange in the middle and surrounded with an ocean blue. I snap out of my trance when I realize he's talking.

"What do you want?" his voice is soft, but guarded. I know it's hard for him to let people in, but does he have to be like that with me? The person he's shared everyhting with, even if he doesn't know it?

"Um," like always, I'm not entirely sure what to say. "You should totally listen to this amazing song." Why did that just come out of my mouth? He doesn't need human interaction right now. What he needs is someone to take away his phone so he won't talk to her, his 'girlfriend'.

"Only if you listen to the best song ever." I automatically think about the song by One Direction, the one I've told him time and again that sucks, "Not that one." He says quickly. He always seems to be able to read my thoughts. He looks at me expectantly.

"Fine." I saysighing, like there would've been another answer.

We switch earphones and I turn on a nevershoutnever song at random. I didn't really expect him to agree. I almost ask what song it is, but then it starts.

Bury all your secrets in my skin

Come away with innocence

and leave me with my sins

I glance up at him with surprise, this song... is the song I've waited my life to hear. I can't explain it, but the melody is perfect.

The air around me still feels like a cage

And love is just a camouflage for what resembles rage

again.

So if you love me, let me go

And run away before I know

I stare at him, confused. Why did he pick this song out of the hundreds I know he has. Why not the screamo version of Call Me Maybe?

My heart is just too dark to care,

I can't destroy what isn't there.

I'm still staring at him, but he won't meet my eyes. I know he's not listening to the song I chose, why doesn't he want to look at me?

Deliver me into my fate

If I'm alone I cannot hate

I don't deserve to have you

Yes you do, I want to say, as if he was singing this song to me. He finally turns to look at me and my eyes stare out the window immeadiately.

Ooh, my smile was taken long ago

if I can change I hope I never know

My eyes widen in surprise. I glance at him and then away quickly. I know something about him that corresponds with that part perfectly. It makes me want to cry.

I still press your letters to my lips

And cherish them in parts of me that savor every kiss

I couldn't face a life without your life.

I smile ruefully, wishing that was true. He called me a bitch last week and wouldn't even talk to me the week before. There's no way he picked this song specifically for me to hear.

But all of that was ripped apart when you refused to fight

Now that, was him. He would never fight for me. What am I thinking? It's just a song.

So save your breath,

I will not care.

I think I made it very clear.

Yes, you did, I want to say again. With the angry messages and the cold shoulder.

You couldn't hate enough to love

Is that supposed to be enough?

I only wish you weren't my friend

Then I could hurt you in the end

I almost laughed. How many times has he said we can't date because he doesn't want to lose a friend. When I told him I was done he said that's what he did, but he didn't. I'll always be by his side even if he doesn't care, even as he breaks my heart again and again.

I never claimed to be a saint

Ooh, my own was banished long ago

it took the death of hope to let you go.

Who

I took the instrumental time trying not to cry. He finished listening to my song and handed me back my iPod. He held out his hand for his earphones but I shook my head quickly. He chuckled softly and turned to stare out the window again.

So break yourself against my stones

And spit your pity in soul

You never needed any help

You sold me out to save yourself.

I flinched, I didn't need reminded of that when I thought about it everyday.

And I won't listen to your shame

You ran away, your're all the same

No! I'm not like that! I want to scream, want to cry, but I can't let you know what this song is doing to me.

Angels lie to keep control

Ooh, my love was punished long ago

if you still care, don't ever let me know

If you still care, don't ever let me know!

I stare at him as the song ends. Okay. You deal with your girl and I won't bother you with my broken heart again. I sniffle slightly. Letting him go... I always thought it would be the death of me. I was right.

My heart has shattered into a million pieces as I look at him with cold eyes.

"Nice song," I keep the friendly tone in my voice. "What's it called?"

If he sees the change in me, he hardly reacts, only to blink a few times and look slightly away from my eyes.

"Snuff."

"Okay." I turn around and turn my own music back on. If he ever comes crawling back to me, I'll kick him where it hurts and walk away.

"Okay?" he sounds confused.

"Okay." I don't turn back around.

Okay.