dear ana ❥ h.s.

living room screams

I was sitting alone in the dining room, lights dimmed, my computer open. I was working on an article for the paper, trying to flee my brain from recent personal activities.

I heard Harry enter the room, and I guess I wasn't already jittery enough, because he only made it much worse. He just casually took a seat beside me, smiling at me gently.

"Whatcha writing, Babycakes?" he jokes, winking at me.

"An, uh, article." I answer as casually as possible. God, I was sweating. I needed to calm down.

"You alright Ana?" he asks, furrowing his eyebrows.

"Yeah, just feeling a bit queasy. Nothing bad."

Suddenly, my phone begins to ring on the counter behind him. I already begin to expect the worst, clenching my fists and biting down on my tongue.

"I'll get it." he smiles, answering the phone.

He stays silent as the person on the other end is speaking, a blank look on his face. He mumbles a few things, hanging the phone up and laying it down on the counter.

He clears his throat, looking back at me. He remained silent for a few minutes, but I knew damn well he would eventually say something. I had not a clue who was on the other side of the seemingly tense phone call. I try to focus on my writing, ignoring Harry's stares.

"Ana." he finally speaks, his voice rather soft. "Why the hell is the doctors office calling you?"

I stay silent, fiddling with my fingers and ignoring him. I try my hardest to ignore him, really.

"Ana, answer my question." he pushes, sitting down in the seat beside me. He closes my computer, desperately trying to capture my attention.

"Ana, answer me!" he yells, slamming his fist on the table that causes me to jump. I stay silent, closing my eyes.

"Ana, what's wrong?" he says quietly, unclenching his fist and sighing heavily.

"I'm sick, Harry. I've been sick." I say quietly. My body began to ache, my stomach doing cartwheels, my heart tearing apart from every which way.

"Y-you're what?" He seemed taken aback, his voice breaking slightly.

"I have cancer, stage three lung." I mumble. "They found a huge tumor on my left lung, and it is cancerous. I'm supposed to start radiation and chemo next week and I'm going to be staying at the hospital."

"Why didn't you tell me?" He was quieter now, and, honestly, I could feel my heart breaking even more.

"I didn't have the guts. I didn't think I could do that, I wouldn't be able to have put you through that." My plan made no sense, really.

"I would've eventually found out. How do you think that would have worked?" he asks, gritting his teeth.

"I don't know." I admit. "I didn't think it all the way through. Maybe I was just waiting for it to get worse to tell you."

"So you find out you have cancer and decide it's not important enough to let me know? Let me guess, this was your asthma?" he questions, doing quotations around asthma.

I nod, looking at the floor in shame. I couldn't bare to look him in the eye, let alone talk to him.

"How was it so easy for you to lie to me?"

I look up at him, parting my lips. No part of this was easy, it was in fact the hardest thing I'd ever had to do.

"Who said it was easy?" I ask him, making solid eye contact. I could feel my blood begin to boil. How could he accuse me of something like that?

"Well, you obviously had no problem doing it. I just hope you know that I would never -"

"Listen here, Harry," I cut him off, "how the hell could you possibly think this was easy for me? Staying up late at night when you think I'm asleep blaming myself for this. Blaming myself for getting cancer." my voice raises and I can feel my body shaking.

"It was not easy - it's not easy - and I thought you would be able to understand. I've never felt this was about anything, anyone really. It's harder to think about you going through this than it is dying. I regret not telling you, I do. But I didn't know what to do, Harry."

That silences him, and it's almost deafening; you could hear a pin drop. No one dared to say a word. He was crying, I was crying, hell, Salem was probably crying too.

"Do I have to spell it out for you, Ana? Is it really that hard to see?" he laughs softly, running his trembling hands through his hair. His face had a troubling smirk on it, sending my nerves over the edge.

"Spell what out?" I stutter, furrowing my eyebrows and looking at him helplessly.

"Everything. How could you not notice?" he asks, looking at me. He was slightly scaring me.

"I didn't pour hot coffee in your lap because I wanted some fling. I saw you and knew you would drown out
my sorrows. Your brown eyes are the most beautiful, and your soul is the kindest. You've been through much more than any woman ever should. I don't call you Angel for nothing, Ana. I believe that God, and I know you don't believe in him, sent you down to my to save me. And that's exactly what you've done." he laughs softly, stepping towards me.

"I guess God has a twisted sense of humor, you know? Doing this to you. Taking you away from me before I could even marry you." he mutters, taking a deep, shaky breath. Marry me? He wanted to marry me?

"So I'm your guardian angel?" I mutter, shifting on my feet. He nods, looking at me with sad eyes.

"I'm going to tell you something, and I'm going off on a limb here." he says softly, cupping my face gently with his cold hands. "Ana, I love you -"

Oh my God, this was not happening.

"I am in love with you, with every single inch of your body. I want to be there for you. Do you love me too?"

Yes, yes, yes, oh my god, yes. Yes I love you, can't you see it?

I pull away from him, pushing his arms down and wiping the tears from my face.

But, as much as I did love him, I knew I loved him too much to force him to go through this. I had to leave, so I did.

"I'm sorry." I mutter, walking out the front door and calling Maria. She was on her way to get me right away.

—

A few days passed between me seeing Harry and now, where I sat in the hospital. It was cold. And I hoped I would some day see him again.

If it was meant to be, I would.