Maybe We're Crazy

Regret

"Olivia why are you wearing that?" He asks angrily.

"Brian, it's a sweatshirt and I'm cold." I say argumentatively.

"You know what I mean." He says.

"Brian I put on one of my sweatshirts because I'm cold." I say plainly.

"That's not your sweatshirt, that's his." He says, his tone filled with disgust.

"It was his, he left it here 6 years ago, and now it's mine." I argue back.

"Olivia could you please take the damn thing off?" He asks angrily.

"Don't be ridiculous Brian, it's a sweatshirt, why is this such a big deal?" I ask.

"Because it's his." He says.

"No Brian, it's mine." I say. "It's my sweatshirt, this shouldn't be a big deal."

"It's a big deal because you loved him Olivia and now you're wearing his clothes even though he left you without as so much as a goodbye." He says.

"Oh get over yourself." I say, walking out of the room.

"No Olivia, it's a big deal." He says. 

"I'm going to bed." I say shutting the door behind me.

I know I won't be able to sleep tonight, Every time someone so much as says his name I get stuck in that same loop of thoughts. 

Why would he leave like that? He promised me, partners for better or for worse.  And after 12 years he threw it all away. He was my best friend and my only family and then he just disappeared. Would I ever get the answers I deserved? Probably not. It was coming up on two years since he had left. I had given up on the idea of finding him after a year. I called and texted countless times, begging him to at least tell me why. I went to his house after a month of the texting and calling and Kathy answered the door. She said that she didn't know where he was, he had left the day he turned in his papers, saying goodbye to her and the kids and he never came back.

That wasn't the Elliot I knew. I figured he must have been under some sort of duress. I dug into all aspects of his life, never getting new information, never finding anything that could lead me to where he was. From the looks of it, Elliot Stabler had dropped off the face of the earth.

He and Kathy had signed divorce papers the day before he disappeared, she had said all seemed normal.

I came to the same conclusion as everyone else, Elliot just didn't want to be here anymore, he was done with me, he was done with his family, so he left.

I had just reached for a sweatshirt. I hadn't realized it was his. I never wore it around people, and I only ever wore it when I needed to feel like a little piece of him was still here with me.

I'm not even really sure what I was doing with Brian. I didn't love him, at least not the same way I loved Elliot. With Elliot there was that spark, that chemistry, the passion. It was the kind of thing you only heard about in fairy tales.

We always kept it at bay. Never letting it go past, what was always just a deep friendship, because in reality it could never be more. He didn't feel the same way, at least he never said anything. And he was married. And even if he wasn't, it wouldn't have worked. Our fights were explosive, and tear us apart for months at a time, sometimes to the point where we couldn't be in the same room.

Every time I got like this, unable to stop thinking about Elliot, I think about the last time we were laughing together, the last time we hugged. Something as innocent as the memory of our last hug, brings tears to my eyes, and makes me so thankful that I do have that last memory of him.