Redeemed

Chapter 15: Selfish

[[ "In My Veins" -Andrew Belle/Elena P.O.V.]]

I sit in one of the chairs next to the fire with a warm blanket wrapped around me while Bonnie softly dabs the blood away from certain areas of my face. I rest my hands on my pregnant stomach while heavy tears sit in my eyes, ready to fall down my face at any moment. I'm so angry. I'm so angry and upset with Dean and the choice he made today. I know he doesn't want to lose me...I don't want to lose him either. But the fact that he could be so selfish with me to the point where he would let an innocent baby, OUR innocent baby die instead of me............I've lived. I've had a life. This baby hasn't. This baby should be more important, I've had this conversation with him already before any of this happened. We've both agreed time and time again that if we were ever put in a position where it was the baby's life or mine, that the baby comes first.

"Here, drink your water. Your body needs to recover and-". Before Bonnie can finish, I quickly interrupt her. "Is the baby okay? Can you please check and make sure the baby is okay?" I ask, my tone is filled with panic and fear. I cry out, finally letting the large tears that were once sitting in my broken eyes fall down my cheeks. When I speak my voice skips like I have hiccups because I'm just so worked up. Bonnie reacts fast and quickly gets up from her knees, wrapping her arms around me in comfort. "Shhhh shh shh, it's okay Elena, the baby is just fine. She's strong. Just like you." She says, pulling my head into her chest as she squeezes next to me. I just cry into her chest, letting everything out.

I think there's more than one reason that I'm this upset. It was a scary night. First, I thought I was going to die. Then I thought, my baby is going to die. And then the love of my life chose me to live over our baby, which really isn't okay with me. I'm angry with him. I'm angry with everything. I'm sick of being afraid and I'm sick of almost dying. Dean promised me that he would do everything to make sure this baby wouldn't get hurt. But tonight......tonight he chose to hurt the baby. So I think all of my emotions are just exploding out of me and my anger and sadness is just too much for me to handle right now.

I let out a deep breath as more tears fall, sniffling as I wipe under my eyes. "I'm just......I'm so angry Bonnie. I'm so upset with him and I'm so upset with myself. How could I think that....that this life.......what I'm doing every day.......how could I think that it would be okay? I had to know eventually something like this would happen. Something always happens. I always let my guard down because I get comfortable. I get selfish. Like Dean tonight, he was so selfish." I cry out once more, my body beginning to shake with so much emotion. Bonnie just holds onto me tightly, trying to comfort me the best she can. "We both disregarded the fact that it isn't just us now. It's the baby too. The baby is more important than the both of us and we've both agreed on that before. But he......". My words trail off and my voice shakes as I cry a little harder. I feel her head nodding and shaking. She listens to my words carefully.
"Elena, you are not selfish." She says as she slowly rubs my back. "You're the most selfless person I know. And that's why you're so upset right now because Dean is just as selfless as you are and you're disappointed. That's understandable, okay? It makes perfect sense. He shouldn't have been selfish. But you know him. You know he would never, ever want to hurt this baby." She places her hand on my pregnant stomach as she says this, trying to reason with me and to try to get me to understand Dean's reasoning. I can hear her beginning to choke up as she speaks to me, beginning to cry along with me.
"But you also have to think about how much he loves you. He loves you so much, Elena. His intentions were not bad. But his love for you clouded his decisions and he panicked. He couldn't lose you. Katherine honestly probably would've killed the both of you, anyway. How would the baby have even survived? You aren't even far along enough for the baby to have even had a good chance of surviving. Think of it that way." Bonnie says, holding onto my glass of water for me. "Yeah......yeah, you're right. But.........it's still not okay to me. I'm still just...Im shooken up and I'm tired. I'm tired of this." I say, shaking my head as I wipe tears away from my face. My lips and eyes start to get swollen from crying so much and so hard.
My heart just feels broken. It feels tired and it feels like it needs a little break from all of this worry, pain, and fear. I thought I was going to lose our baby..........

Dean and I.....we love each other so much that it's like we don't realize that it just completely consumes us. It causes us to make irrational decisions sometimes, and it causes us to do things like Dean did today.