i am trying to put myself back together / slam chapbook

help for the future lover

1
if you touch my neck you damn well
better be trying to kiss me,
because even if you did just
lay one on me,
it's an explanation for why
your hand is anywhere close
to my neck.
i can't be touched there.
my grandmother is the only one
who can't seem to grasp that,
so don't fall behind.

2
i will call you sometimes
just to hear your voice.
picking up is your decision.

3
i believe in God
i know that's a dealbreaker
for most
but i can fix it by telling you
i'm sure that she could not have
created the whole universe.

4
i'm a lesbian
and i bitch about it a lot
because i want to bisexual.
my best friend told me i had a fear
of a penis.
i may believe them.

5
my lungs are shit
so i'm sorry if i wheeze
when were singing in the car
or while we're fucking
or while i'm just in your presence
because you take my breath away

6
once i didn't talk to my best friend
for an entire month
because she didn't initiate the conversation.

7
i look forward to school
because it gets me out of the house

8
i judged the new hampshire
iWPS final and i feel i may have
skewed the results
because a girl locked eyes with me
so imagine what will happen when you do

9
you could say i'm a bit girl crazy for you
but maybe i'm just crazy

10
i often can let little things
get the best of me.

11
for a while people thought
i was an impulse liar
because it seemed like i was
trying to cover up
myself when really there
was nothing to me to begin with.

12
i'm not too sure who i am yet
but i know enough to know
i never will.

13
i'm in love with the idea of having friends
because i've lost far too many

14
there are four days a year
that i will not answer you
because i'm mourning
my self-made family

15
i used to play softball
and it's all i talk about sometimes.

16
i have four ex girlfriends and
two ex boyfriends
none of which i expect you to like
please hate them actually,
hate them with me

17
i buy records even though i have no player

18
if i were hotter
i'd probably be a player

19
once upon a time
my life was fraying

20
i like to live vicariously
through television characters

21
i live vicariously through these characters
because i don't have much of a life on my own

22
i never write on the backs of pages

23
i'll probably think you're God or Jesus or Muhummad or the Buddha.
any way i'll worship you.

24
signing up to form a relationship with me is like getting a dog.
i will give you sad eyes.
you promise to never leave
and reign off of instant gratification.
you will begin to complete me.

25
you said you wouldn't leave.
please don't leave me here.