i am trying to put myself back together / slam chapbook

one night from the point of view of my brain, otherwise known as a stranger

girl goes out with her friends,
but not really her friends
let's start again
girl goes out with group of people
she would have deemed
"dangerous" two years ago.
hence, girl goes out with friends
because they're the only ones
who want her.

girl and friends meet at a coffee shop
girl is first to show up
group leader walks in
girl makes jokes about this being like her first girl scout meeting
group leader laughs in a way that doesn't seem forced but
group leader is probably
forcing it not to seem forced.

girl immediately texts girlfriend in fear.
girlfriend is ridiculously angry
at girl for no apparent reason.
girlfriend says
"busy tonight, talk tomorrow"
like girlfriend always does.
girl does not question it.
girl thinks girlfriend has had a shit year.
girlfriend thinks girl is a shit storm.
girl texts girlfriend back saying,
"i love you"
because there has not been a day in the last 400 she hasn't.
girl gets no response.
girl is not surprised.
this has happened all before.
girl thinks girlfriend is having a shit year.
girl rushes back to reality when
group leader's not boyfriend walks in
girl watches as group leader jumps
straight into not boyfriend's arms.
she learns more
about her relationship here
than with every missed phone call.
behind group leader, girl sees new girl and new boy.
new boy is in her world studies class.
new girl was in a "happy halloween"
snapchat received from group leader
october 31st between 7:30 and 8:15.
girl texts girlfriend
girl says 'i need you'
girlfriend breaks up with her over text right in that crowded coffee shop
girl excuses herself
steps outside
and breaks down
quicker than group leader can notice.
she steps back in,
group leader gives her a look.
group leader knows.
girl and group leader say nothing.
i scream at girl for staying.

girl goes with group to back lot.
girl says "fuck it!"
girl has never said "fuck it!"
about something important before.
girl throws some kid's mask into the river.
girl is looking to pick a fight.
girl is looking to lose a fight.
girl is sick
girl is so sick
girl wants to throw her self in the river.
girl wants to throw her self at group leader
girl thinks group leader is awfully good looking
girl goes home early

girl gets drunk alone
girl has lost it

i say, "damn,"
as girl drops into an alcohol induced coma.
"who would have thought that
this is how it all works out?"