i am trying to put myself back together / slam chapbook

cliff jumping

the first time i had a panic attack in public was at school
they sent me to the nurse,
called it a stomachache,
and sent me home.
they did not send me to the counselor.
they did not tell me anything that could help me
but they did tell me to take advil and get some rest.
irony being, i can't sleep if i want to and advil actually does give me a stomach ache
i did both anyway
and i woke up in tears.

the second time it happened,
i was at the movies with my girlfriend.
she's not my girlfriend anymore.
she told me to go home.
she told me to sleep it off.
she told me she'd text me in the morning
she never did.
i never got to explain to her
that the couple whispering behind us
was slowly killing me
in a way she could not perceive.
i'm not good at handing whispering.
my psychiatrist later called it triggering
i hate the word triggering.

it makes me feel like if it hits it'll kill me,
instead of just injuring me.
all these blows are simple injuries.
the blows push me onto a cliff while death stands on my fingertips
that are barely holding on
they know this is not where they belong
they tremble when the hear the songs of the band that's blasting when it happens the third time.
but this time there is no escaping
the band is halfway through
the fourth song of their set
and i may collapse
and all i can think is
"this is something you got yourself into"