i am trying to put myself back together / slam chapbook

i wonder where we would pick up

i probably would have
forgotten about you by now
if i didn't follow all your friends
on my socials.
they were my friends once, too.
i forgot about it all
when i had a distraction
but now that i'm sitting here
in a room infested with old thoughts
with a brain invested in connecting dots
i wonder about you.

where did you go?
i know where you are,
but, where did you go?
you disappeared without a trace.
all my new friends tell me
about their lifelong pals
and i'm not even sure where mine erased herself to
besides the fact that my mom saw you
during a friday festival
and the inkling of my thinking
that i might've seen you
in an outlet before you
dodged the bullet
that is our past.
when we were younger,
we tried to make things last,
but then high school hit
and i grew up too fast
for reasons i only ever
wanted to tell you about.
and i have a whole village now,
who understands my anxiety
and my want to skip town.
do you remember what i did to let you down?
i made a mistake,
fumbled my words,
and i ran from it.
but now i'm up here, &
i've said two hundred and eight words so far.
i have not stuttered,
i have not slipped up,
i have not sputtered out
a lame excuse for how sorry i am.

i will not spit an excuse for how sorry i am.

lately i've had these dreams about you
where you're in my house and
apologizing for leaving
when i told you to go.
i've never been good at leaving things alone
i may sound like a creep but i ask about you sometimes
i heard you had surgery and i hope you're alright
and i hope you're doing fine.
i sincerely hope you're doing fine.
i sincerely hope you're doing fine.
i sincerely hope you're doing fine.
i sincerely hope that tonight you hear from someone, through someone from someone who matters to you that i wrote a stupid poem about you because i'm missing you now for some reason,
even though i have people and it feels like treason to wanna leave em
i'd give them all away to erase the last two years
and how i hurt you
i am so sorry i hurt you
i am so sorry i hurt you
i am so sorry i hurt you
i am so sorry that this is how i am apologizing
but i don't know how else
i am so sorry that i lost you
i am so sorry that i couldn't fix this
i am so sorry that i couldn't fix us
i am so sorry i even tried to put us back together.
i am so sorry i am sorry all the time
i know you left because i was sorry all the time
i am trying my best to be a better person now though, so...
tell me, is this a good start?