i am trying to put myself back together / slam chapbook

why writing a pity poem was the biggest mistake of my life

unrequited glorifies it
while unremarkable describes it,
i wrote a pity poem about the first
girl who was into me
but not that into me
while sitting in her bed.
i repeatedly kick myself for it
now that i look back
at the sheer lack of artistry
and honestly, the honesty
may have been a little overboard
but too late now

i read this poem at four slams before deciding that it wasn't winning for a reason
three slams before completely changing my stage presence
two slams before it killed my relationship like a bug on a windshield
and one, simple slam before i decided that if, one year later,
i still loved her,
i would give it to her.
i have been here for 11 months, i have had the poem for five of those,
i have presented it in four slams
i have cried three times
i have stuttered twice
i thought i was over her once until
she called me and it all came rushing back
the late night talks
about turning something
into nothing
then back into something again
and about how no matter what happened she'd always be my best friend
because she will always be my priority.
how blessed am i to hold this girl as my number one priority
this girl who said my scars were cool
the first girl i met that wanted to sleep through high school
and wake up in college
when her new life started.
meanwhile i'm still haunted
by the ghosts of the person i probably still am
the person who is part dead
hence the ghosts and
the fact that the person i love the most
is the one that for nearly a year now,
i have not been able to have

writing a pity poem means seven more months of correlating two things i love
into a writhing puddle of false hope.