i am trying to put myself back together / slam chapbook

11:87

when i get worked up,
there are three things
that can calm me down.

the first is shuffling a deck of cards.
if i have managed to dig myself
even further than usual into
my own personal pit of despair,
i will mix in the jokers,
and dig them out later on.
if i am anxious as well,
i will shuffle two decks together
and sort them back out
into even piles.
if i need to remove my focus
from something tedious,
say one of my sister's
impromptu ukulele performances
or an awkward family dinner,
i will play vegas solitare until i win.
it helps me gauge my mental state.
if it is any indication,
this entire year i have won 11 games.
this is out of 87.

if the first is not an option,
my second method of coping
is more involved.
and by involved, i mean,
throwing myself into
the social life that does not exist.
this often leads to terrible jokes
and terrible flirting-
this is also me saying sorry to the girls
that had to listen to
one or the other,
or the one who was hit by both:
you know who you are, and i'm sorry.
just know that if i am using
any sort of cliche line or
sliding you my number in
any sly way that actually
may seem great
coming from anybody else,
my heartbeat is probably residing somewhere under my toenails,
and this is me trying
to kick it
back to my body.

the third and final way
of coping is to sleep.
this is by far the most simple,
and easily yields the greatest results.
you see,
i have always had a specific love for
skewing my sense of reality.
sleep,
dreams...
they're my best way
of doing just that.

you see,
when i'm asleep,
i'm not worried about
my fear getting the best of me
or my mind waging war on me,
cause in my dreams,
there's no such thing as anxiety.
there's no giving in
or giving up,
or focusing on the fact that
i feel too much.
because i will always be
too young to feel everything
and nothing all at once.

in my dreams
i have lost eleven solitare games.
this is out of 87,
if it is any indication.