i am trying to put myself back together / slam chapbook

i am scared of the future because i'm not sure when it starts

when my mother is angry,
she starts the conversation promptly
with my age,
followed by my year in school.
as was today,
"damnit, jessica,
you are fifteen!
you are a sophomore in high school!
get it together!"
it almost feels homey sometimes.
she has learned this.
so, today, she threw in,
"you're going to college soon."
this led me promptly to my bedroom
where my body helped me execute
the perfect panic attack.

i fear the future
like the child fears the boogie man.
the future is the fucking boogie man!
in the future,
what if i am the boogie man?
i don't want to be the fucking boogie man!
it is not what i signed up for!
none of this is what i signed up for!
silently, i look up colleges.
i look at tuition.
nervous, i turn to my best friend
and she tells me i'll get a scholarship and i laugh because if i don't get a scholarship i'm not gunna be going to college to begin with.
they all know my school, i'm from the rich kid district
with a kid sister who will always further succeed with her hopes and dreams
while i rip at the seams
tearing myself apart.
i'm scared of the future because i don't know when it starts