i am trying to put myself back together / slam chapbook

always

hi, this is jesse.
i know it's four a.m. and i'm leaving you a voicemail
i'm so sorry.
it's just that it's late
and i'm out on the dock
and i miss you
and i know you know about my issues.
i know you know why i'm here
i know you know why i'm calling

you see, it's fifty six degrees up here
and it's july
and i'm fucking freezing.
ironically so, because when it gets this cold down in florida
i don't feel a damn thing
now i quite literally can not feel a damn thing
even if i wanted to, believe me.

i've got a fire going back up at the house
and i probably should be sitting in front of it,
but all it did was pull attention from the sky
the sky up here is gorgeous.
you would love it.

so, i figure i need to get
to the point of this.
simply put
i'm sitting on this dock and reminiscing
about shit that i dreamt about,
about things that we had talked about--
once upon a time where we still talked.

once upon a time we did still talk.
once upon a time i never thought that leaving was a type of balk
once upon a time i chose to walk
without even walking away
and then a couple weeks later i got on a plane
and i went home
to the place
that made your face
twist and curl at the mention
as i tried to explain its grace.
i know you hate this place
i know you know why i am here
i know you know why i am calling

so now, i'll give you the choice
to listen or to let me go completely--
i know you haven't done that yet.

let me start over.

hi, my name is jesse.
i know this isn't what you wanted.
i know that leaving was a terrible mistake
i know that i have a tendency to take for granted
who i can love-
you, if you missed the mention-
and i know i have a tendency to forget the important things

i know i have a tendency to forget birthdays and holidays.
i have a tendency to have to skip friday coffee, that's my mistake.
i know i have a tendency to forget boundaries.
i'm sorry.
i made a mistake.
i made a mistake.

hi, my name is jesse
and i'm sitting on the dock again
the dock i built with my father, and his father and
his father is an asshole but i'm living with him right now.
i have a goal that maybe i can manage to skip town
maybe i can get back but i want to know, is there a reason?
we spoke in seasons,
there was the autumn we fell for
and the winter was fucking freezing.
and in the same way you have your winter demons,
i still have genuine reasons for leaving
but they're starting to outnumber
why i came in the first place.

hi my name is jesse,
and i'm sitting on my dock
and i'm calling you because
it seems to be the only thing i know to do
and i'm sure this voicemail will cut me off in about 1 second so-"

"hi my name is jesse
and i'm a bit of a flight risk
if you haven't noticed
i ran part way across the country
with a motive that
maybe i'll come home and it'll all be okay again
but maybe it was fine
and leaving broke it to begin with.
maybe leaving was a bad move.
losing you always hurt like a burn
losing you hurt too bad to put into words
losing you began to replace what i'd learned
about happiness being something that i did deserve

you never cared about the elephants in the room
you had them too
we both thought of them as simply personal issues
quite permanent issues
that tore us apart before gluing us
back together on our ragged edges
i hope you listen to these messages
i know you still miss me
i know you wish we still talked
i know you know why i'm here
and why i'm calling
and if you hate me, still
hang up now
because i will always love you
and i don't want my statements to change your mind,
because it may not have worked before
but i'll always try.