Dan and Phil imagines

Remember

For as long as I can remember, I always questioned why I existed. I remember being little and wanting to die because I didn't feel pretty enough or smart enough or good enough. I remember once packing a little suitcase and threatening to run away, before I even knew what that really entailed. I don't remember much, just that I never understood.
I remember how difficult it's been for me to make friends, and the fear I always felt when I had to talk to someone. I remember being in a group and having people run away from me because I was weird or they didn't like me. I remember feeling that nagging urge to just lock myself away and cry. I don't remember why, just that I didn't feel wanted.
I remember being in class and trying not to cry when I got an answer wrong, or I got picked on by the teacher. I remember being hit by my friends and biting back the pain so as not to seem weak. I remember how it felt to almost throw my life away. I don't remember why I thought it would be a good idea at the time, just that it was the only thing I wanted.
I remember sending my sister away to university and feeling a backwards sense of relief because she left the day before my birthday. I remember people trying to console me. I remember crying on the shoulder of one of the only people I could trust. I don't remember why I snapped, just that I did.
I remember seeing him there and thinking nothing of it. I remember the years of sitting next to him, yet never really being close. I remember when he told me he loved me. I don't remember why he did, just that he did.
I don't remember the moment when everything changed. I don't remember how, or if, I ever fell in love with him or if I ever returned that affection. I don't remember being there for him when he was down. I remember being too lazy to reply to his text, but not what happened next.
I remember the weeks flitting away into months, the months to years. I remember seeing him standing there and smiling. I remember knowing that I was happy, and I remember telling him I loved him. I don't remember whether that was true, just that it was what I was supposed to say.
I don't remember the moment I sunk back into solidarity and broke down. I don't remember the point at which that emptiness came back. I don't remember feeling the pain of being alone in a crowded room, only a sense of joy. I remember this moment, just not how it came about.
I remember sitting in this room, shutting myself away, and musing about how my family ignore me. I remember the downward spiral from fine to not. I remember how suddenly it went from good to bad. I don't remember how long it took, just that my world fell apart.
I remember being alone. I remember being sad. I remember wishing I wasn't born. I remember making my mother cry. I remember lying to make others happy. I remember telling him I loved him. I don't remember whether I meant it, just that I didn't want to hurt him.
I'll remember this moment. It will be my last memory. I'll remember looking back on my life and remembering that I never truly belonged. I'll remember how I held on. I'll remember how I let go.