A Life In The Days Of Eva Maxwell

Entry 18:

I slipped on the black dress that Darin had gotten me for my birthday last year. It had lace covering it and poofed out a bit. It flowed when you walked, which wasn't at all my style of dress, but when I'd tried it on I fell in love with it.

She told me that she got it because she knew that I had a pair of matching heels, that her red lipstick would look amazing with it, and that she was taking me to some fancy ball her Uncle was throwing.

That ball was the last time that I wore that dress simply because it was so beautiful and precious to me that I couldn't find anywhere else that I could wear it and it be appropriate. But today, I pulled it up my body and zipped up the zipper before slipping on my heels and reapplying my lipstick.

I walked out to see Seth was already ready, wearing a black suit and a black tie with black shoes. "You ready?" He asked. I nodded and grabbed my purse. Well... Darin's purse.

Earlier that day, Seth had told me that he planned on adopting me. I wasn't going to go into foster care on his watch, and being close to me was going to make him feel like less of a failure.

"You didn't fail, Seth. You don't control this type of thing."

"Yeah, well," he responded. "Doesn't stop me from feeling it." Then he turned and walked to the bathroom where he was going to change into his suit.

But now, as I got into the passengers side of Seth's car, nothing seemed real. It was only yesterday when Darin and I had met, when she gave me her brand new pack of crayons in 3rd grade, when she broke her arm and I was the only one aloud to sign her cast, all of the swim meets I went to, every gymnastics tournament I attended, when she first kissed me, when we first played 7 Minutes In Heaven, every time we almost took it to far but didn't.

Time seemed frozen in a span where I wasn't sure if I was awake or asleep. Seth was talking but I wasn't sure what he was saying, the radio was playing but I wasn't sure what song, my hands were shaking but I wasn't sure why. Nothing made sense and everything seemed to blur together. My vision fuzzed up and then returned to normal, I could hear fine but I couldn't comprehend, and I was having these thought but I wasn't sure if they were real.

"Eva? You good?" Seth asked me, concerned. I was about to say yes when I realized what a dumb question that was. No I wasn't good.

"No. Are you good?"

Seth sighed. "Eva, I know that it's gonna be hard on you for a while, but it's gonna be hard on me too."

I laughed, but it was cold and heartless. "I won't be good ever again."

Seth rolled his eyes and pulled into the church parking lot. He parked his car and got out before walking around and opening my door. Then, he pulled me into a hug. "I'm sorry Eva," he said. "I really am."

"Yeah." I said, turning to walk into the church. As soon as I passed through the white double doors that lead into the sanctuary, I was greeted with a lot of 'I'm sorry for you lose', 'How are you dear?', and 'Are you okay?'. I ignored them all and went to the front pew with Seth on my heels and sat down.

Soon enough everyone was sitting and the depressing music that they always played at funerals started playing. Seth's parents were sitting across the isle, on the other pew, trying not to cry. The minister got up behind his podium and said, "Thank you all for attending the funeral of Miss Darin Winkles."