Dirty Little Secrets (Demily fanfic) [REWRITE IN PROGRESS]

Chapter 19: Every End Is Also A Beginning (Uber short chapter)

Chapter 19: Every End Is Also A Beginning

2 days later

Reid POV

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The past few days have been full of mixed emotions for me. Both sadness and grief for JJ and our child, which I've finally managed to wrap my head around. I understand why she didn't tell me, but that doesn't mean I believe it's right. I just wish I could have been there with her, supported her through what I know must have been one of the hardest times in JJ's life. That's what you do with someone you love. You support and encourage each other. I know she would never want this for me... she would want me to have a better future. One that is bright and promising. Full of love and happiness. But I just can't do this without her. I don't want to. I am so sorry JJ.

I grab a black pen and begin to scribble down the words I cannot come to say. The emotions I cannot begin to describe, and the reasons why I must go. Why I must leave those who I love most.It is the most heartbreaking thing I've ever had to say, with pen, by mouth, by words at all. I know my absence will crush those who are already in pain, and what I am doing is by far the most selfish, and yet selfless thing I have ever done. I seal the envelope, and write the name on the front in beautiful cursive lettering.

I place it between the pages of the last book Maeve ever gave me. The quote inside the cover still burning in my soul. I know she will find it here. It will not be long now.

Love is our true destiny. We do not find the meaning of life by ourselves alone- we find it with another. -Thomas Merton

I pour a glass of water and open the medicine cabinet, taking the unopened bottle of pain killers. I break the seal and slowly pour the contents into my hand. I know that if I take half the bottle, it will be enough to kill me. But I choose to take the whole bottle just in case. I hesitate for a brief moment, staring at the little pink pills. But I know this is what I want to do. I know it's a choice. Nobody forced this upon me, nobody backed me into the corner. I could be out there saving lives, but the truth is- I don't want to. I only want to be in one place. And that place is with JJ.

I press the pills to my lips and breathe in the taste of what will soon be freedom. I pour the contents into my mouth and drink the water quickly. I look at myself in the mirror, feeling no different than I had moments ago. I watch as a tear falls from my eye and slowly rolls down my cheek. "I'm coming to you JJ." A few moments later my head starts to spin, and the room becomes distant. I fall to the floor from dizziness, and I know my plan is now in effect. It won't be long now before I pass out and the burning sensation in the pit of my stomach stops. The urge to vomit ceases. Then life will become just a distant memory...

When JJ died, Emily told me that every ending is also a beginning. I'd like to believe that's true.