Songbird (Tradley AU)

Chapter Five - I Still Need You In My World

"Hey tris." Brad smiled as I opened my eyes and began stretching after my nap "have a good sleep?"

"Mhm." I hummed, pushing myself into a sitting position and taking a few moments to examine the truly beautiful boy stood in front of me, I let my eyes wander over his soft features, taking in and absorbing his soft jawline, rounded cheeks and perfectly imperfect skin, spending the most amount of time staring into his deep brown eyes that had golden hints of, what could only be described as the purest honey, swirling and mixing in with the multi tonal browns and hazels to create eyes that I could happily get lost in for eternities.

"That's good then." He smiled, looking a little confused as to why I was spending so much time studying his face, and truth was I was also a little confused as to why I felt the need to take in every inch of his face, why I felt such a strong desire to look at him in the way I should've looked at James, the way I should've studied his face every evening, not only out of wonder and fascination, but out of fear and worry, I should've feared losing him, and now all I could ever beg for is to have him back so I can look at him and tell him he's beautiful and that he's not alone and just love him. But being the foolish teenager I was, being the optimist I was, I never afraid of losing him, not even in my darkest nightmares did I ever even imagine I could lose him, because we were so strong together, we were each other's the one, but maybe sometimes love isn't enough to fix a broken heart, maybe sometimes the one can't save you when pain, depression and darkness loom over your shoulder, just like they did to James.

"You okay tris?" He asked, his confusion turning to concern "you're crying." He whispered, wiping tears from my cheeks before climbing onto the couch with me, gently and tentatively cuddling up to me "do you wanna talk about it tris?"

I sighed and shook my head a little, not wanting to depress him, but letting him cuddle up to me and draw small shapes on my chest through the thin fabric of my shirt, myself finding the actions very comforting and consoling, more so that I feel talking could've been.

After a few minutes of quiet cuddling and listening to the sound of each other's breathing, not really caring to do anything else, Brad turned to me.

"Tell me a story, Tris." Brad whispered "I want to hear a story about you, about your life, I want to know how who you were became who you are."

"A story?" I asked, a little taken aback by the strange request "you see, the only stories I have, are ones I don't care to share with other people because they're about James, they're about how in love with him I was, how happy he made me, how he changed me for the better, and I don't think you'd want to hear about that..."

"But he's a big part of your life, tris," Brad counter-replied "I want to get to know you, and as he's clearly helped shape you, I don't mind hearing stories about James, or any of your other exes, maybe I could learn from them."

But it hurts so badly, and I'm not strong enough to talk about him yet.

I sighed, swallowing the lump in my throat before sighing, deciding to tell him how James and I met.

"Okay, so it was July 2nd 2009, I was 15 at the time, I was doing alright you know, school was alright, I had a stable group of friends, but I was so lonely, and I craved someone to touch and someone to hold and someone to call mine, at the point I wasn't out to anyone, I had had boyfriends in the past, but nobody, not even my closest friend at the time knew. One day I was walking down the town, and outside the coffee shop you and I met in, James was there with his guitar, doing a bit of busking, covering songs from bands like The Young Veins, This Ivy League and The Brobecks. And I just thought that his voice was beautiful and I stopped to listen, and just as I stopped, he started playing this one song called Love At First Sight by the Brobecks and he kept glancing at me and smiling down at his shoes, making me blush and smile like crazy. I put the money I was meant to be buying my coffee with in his guitar case after he had finished playing, and hung around, waiting for him to finish talking to people giving him praise so I could talk to him and try and make sure I could see him again. It truly was love at first sight on my part, and he always used to say the same, anyway, once everyone else had walked away, I took my chance and wandered up to him, I told him how amazing his voice was and how I was amazed that I hadn't heard him singing around here before and all that, and one thing lead to another and I walked away with his number, feeling like the luckiest person to have ever walked the earth, and that was the start of the best seven years of my life." I smiled, the memory being just as painful to bring up and talk about as it had been to dwell on it silently.

"Wow..." Brad whispered, looking at me with wide admiring eyes "love like that...I...I didn't think it even existed, stories like that only ever come out of stories and movies...wow." He stammered, blushing a little bit.

"Mm, I thought so too, until it happened to me. That song, Love At First Sight was going to be the song we were going to have our first dance to, when we got married." I whispered, running my thumb over my own knuckles, wincing a little as I put a little too much pressure on them, the scabbed skin being a result of a nervous habit that had re-appeared days after James' death, he had always tried to stop me from biting at them when I was anxious about something, and for a period of time I stopped, but without James to keep my slightly destructive habit in check, it crept it's way back into my life, which just proved how much of a mess I am without him, and how much I needed him or someone like him (Brad?) back in my life.