Songbird (Tradley AU)

Chapter Eleven - Tell Me Your Fears

For the days that followed my encounter with Brad and his I had been staying at James' friends Adam's house at the opposite after deciding it was probably best for me to spend some time with someone else, to at least try and stop myself from going mad.

"Tris you coming out on a walk with me mate?" Adam asked, standing in the doorway of  his living room whilst buttoning his flannel, I could help but admire his perfectly shaped and toned muscles, finding the way his tanned skin stretched over the muscles that had been strengthened and worked hard over years of dedication to his form and figure extremely attractive and appealing. I had to give it to the guy, he was hot.

I shrugged from where I was sat on the couch, not doing much apart from glancing over Adam's body before going back to staring at the (hideous) green feature wall in his living room.

"Please mate? I'm worried about you, you know that don't you? I know that losing James has hit you hard, it hit everyone had, it was so unexpected and I know you loved him, we all did, but you haven't been the same, and I really miss how funny and outgoing you were, you've barely left your house or seen anyone for almost a year, and dude I care about you, you made one of my best friends so unbelievably happy, it's so hard to see you wasting away like this, please just come out and get some fresh air with me dude." Adam sighed, sitting down on the edge of the couch opposite me to pull his shoes on.

I sighed and shrugged again, thinking over everything he had just said to me, and realising he was right, I was wasting away, but then deciding that I didn't really care because I didn't have James and I didn't have Brad, therefore, no reason to try.

"So you're not coming?" Adam asked after a few seconds of awkward silence, I sighed and shook my head, not moving from my position "okay, fine." He hummed, standing back up "Can you start dinner whilst I'm gone please? Since you're not going to be doing anything anyway, I'm assuming."

I nodded and said goodbye to him as he walked out of his house, and honestly I was kind of regretting not going, knowing full well it was probably the only time I was going to get out of the house until I wanted to go home.

About forty five minutes passed after Adam had left the house, he returned, his cheeks rosy from the cool, coastal wind that blew over the town that evening, and in the time he was gone I had managed to fry off some chicken and noodles, making a stir fry.

"We're going to the fairground this evening." Adam said to me through a mouthful of noodles "then getting drunk, you know, doings mates stuff,"

"Nope, absolutely not." I shook my head "not getting drunk with you, not going to the fairground, not leaving the house." I replied

"Dude stop being so boring!" Adam sighed dramatically "come on, leave the house, live a little, you don't even have to drink that much if you don't wanna."

I sighed, thinking it over, since James died I had spend so much more time thinking things than saying them, trying to make sure I didn't say the wrong thing, and I think the first time I had stopped doing that was on the bridge with Brad, and that's why what happened happened, that must've been why.

I sighed, giving in to him "okay, okay, I'll go with you," I hummed, taking a small mouthful of noodles "but no trying to set me up with a new guy okay? I have someone I have my eye on..."

"Oohhhhh." Adam raised his eyebrow at me "trissyyyy has got himself a new boyfriend has he?"

"Yes? No? Well we were something, but not quite and I loved him and I got mixed messages from him and we argued about something stupid and he's got a boyfriend now and they're so happy together and I don't know what to do I want him so badly my heart hurts and he was keeping me together and helping me heal and nursing my heart back to health and now I've lost him too, I need him almost as bad as I needed James you know?" I vented, tears threatening to spill down my cheeks as I spoke about my hurt

"If he's got a boyfriend he's not worth the effort mate, leave him alone, let it go, move on." Adam said, his voice staying sympathetic

"I can't." I whispered, shaking my head "you know? You told me to leave James alone too, you told me he's never had much luck with getting guys to stay and he's too troubled and too secretive to be trusted, and you didn't want me around unless I promised to stay, you didn't want me around unless I promised to not break his heart, and I didn't make any of those promises to you, because I didn't actually like you and I didn't listen to you and look at where that got us." I smiled slightly at the pleasant memories of James and I when we were young and in love, the memories of being introduced to Adam and him telling me all that and me just giving him and sly smirk and glancing in the direction of my, then, boyfriend who was too engrossed in his phone to even bother listening to what his friend and I were talking about.

And you know what? This was the first time in almost a year that I had smiled at a memory of James.

The first time in almost a year I hadn't wanted to drop dead at the thought of what I had and what I lost.

The first time I was able to separate our past and my future.