Songbird (Tradley AU)

Chapter Thirteen - Sink In To My Skin

Adam,
Left here to go to a guys house, probably won't be coming back, I'll be at mine within the next few days if you need me,
Hate to leave you without saying goodbye but a guys gotta do what a guys gotta do :)
Tris.

I put the pencil and paper back down on the kitchen side, again deciding just to be straight up with Adam, after knowing him for quite some time and spending a lot of time with him when I was with James we had built a fair amount of trust and I considered him one of my only genuine friends, he was my shoulder to cry on when that night hit us so hard, and I was his, and there was no reason to lie to him about where I was going anyway, he'd understand.

I slung my bag over my shoulder and began the trek to the opposite side of the town to Brad's apartment block, the walk taking about an hour before I was standing outside the flat, waiting to be let in.

"H-hey tris." Brad sniffed with a small fake smile as he let me in, leading me over to the couch and sitting me down

"Hey Curley." I smiled, my hand moving to his waist, his hand following my fingers, resting gently on mine as his eyes darkened ever so slightly with what could only be lust.

"I've missed you daddy." He whispered, leaning in close to my ear, his words sending shivers down my spine

"I've missed you too baby boy." I smirked a little, my eyes not leaving his body as he pushed me back and climbed onto me, straddling my waist. I tried to ignore the abstract patterns that were left on his face from his tears, I tried to ignore the rosy tint to his eyes from his hurt, I tried to ignore the guilt that I felt for doing this to him, pushing him to the point where he'd feel the need to do this to distract himself from what his heart was feeling.

I tried to forget that that was me just a couple of months ago

"What you gonna do baby, hm?" Brad whispered, gently grinding his hips on mine "what do you want to do to me?"

"I..." I whispered, lost for words as he pulled his shirt over his head

I want to love you

"Can't speak? I'll give you something to talk about" He smirked, taking my hand from his waist and helping me move it backwards, enabling me to take handfuls of his ass.

"Mm Curley." I whispered as he unbuttoned his jeans, his hips still at work over mine

"You like that do you daddy?" He whispered

Yes I like it but it feels wrong

"I...I uh...Brad." I stumbled, my hands moving to his waist, one to his chest, getting him to stop "I can't do this...you're upset, you need time to heal...stop, don't demean yourself like this...you're worth so much more than a casual fuck, baby." I told him, pulling myself into a sitting position, Brad still in my lap.

Brad looked away from my gaze and at the floor before letting out a heavy sigh, tears rolling down his cheeks, I didn't think, only acted, instantly pulling him in to my shoulder, feeling him melt into my touch as waves of sadness washed over the small broken boy, consuming him as I tried to pull him back up to breathe every once in a while with a consoling word or gesture but mostly just letting him cry it all out, letting him say everything he felt, how he felt used and abused and not good enough for anyone, let him cry about how he was stupid to trust, how he was stupid to give his heart to someone who didn't want it, how he should have tried harder.

Rather than try and interject and tell him how wrong he was, I just listened, I listened to everything he had to say before he cried himself to sleep on my shoulder, his head buried deep in the contours of my collarbones, his shoulders slumped against my chest, arms loosely at his side, his legs folded in half at my hips, his back arched over my body, cheeks rosy and raw.

I don't think I'd ever seen anyone who was still a masterpiece when they were at their breaking point until I'd met Brad.

I whispered goodnight to him before gently kissing his forehead and leaning back into the chair, allowing myself to relax a little and enjoy the feeling of the boy being pressed into me. I still felt guilty, and I still felt awful for him, but I think I could look past that because I wouldn't have been able to live with myself letting him carry on seeing someone who disrespected his love like that, someone who couldn't wholly appreciate him for all he did, someone who didn't love him in the way he loved them. I couldn't let him date someone like me.

A wave of my own sadness washed over my shore that evening, Brad being my safety aid in the sea of blackness that was washing me further and further away from shore, I didn't mind, I had him, and that's all I needed, as long as I had Brad to keep me afloat, I would happily bob along, willing to struggle sometimes if that meant I could keep hold of him.

This was never meant to be how it was, I had never planned for me to end up in this slightly cold apartment with a small lost boy in a world so big, I never meant to be with anyone but James, but this is where life took me, and I think I understood that it was useless continuing to struggle against the current any longer, it was nights with Brad that I learnt important lessons such as to just accept and move on, let yourself hurt and let yourself feel things without being guilty. It was nights with Brad I spent the least time sleeping and the most time thinking deeply about things I would be too scared to think about on my own.

The period in which Brad had come into my life, I spent more days doing and more nights thinking than I had ever thought possible after James, and I was so incredibly thankful to have someone like Brad willing to take me under his wing, which he himself, was still learning to use.

I knew I didn't deserve him, I knew he was too good for me and I knew that i shouldn't question why he was still at my side, why he still trusted me, why he still considered me a friend, and that night, the night with the broken boy on my shoulder, I decided that if Brad wanted to stay friends and no strings attached, as much as that would hurt me, as long as he was still in my life and that he was still happy, I wouldn't mind, not one bit.