Songbird (Tradley AU)

Chapter Nine - I'm a Wreck

"so this is the bridge?" Brad asked me quietly as we sat, our legs dangling dangerously off the edge, the younger boy swinging his back and forth, like a child on a swing.

"yep, this is it." I hummed,feeling oddly calm with the other boy next to my side "this is where everything happened and where I come every morning to, well you know all this and I don't need to explain it to you, sorry, I'm rambling I'll be quiet." I sighed.

"no, no it's fine, tris." Brad assured me with a small smile, his hand inching ever slightly closer to mine, his fingers crawling across the concrete and creeping closer to mine, closer and closer and closer before they eventually the strangely rough skin of his fingers brushed against mine, his fingers had the callouses of the guitar players, hands that I easily recognised after years of holding James' and playing with his fingers absentmindedly.

"I really loved him." I whispered quietly, resting my head on one of the large metal supports "but it wasn't the kind of love that you can ever get over you know? It's the kind that completely consumes you  and motivates you and makes you the person you've always wanted to be?" I tried to explain, Brad opening his mouth to say something before closing it and looking down at the water.

"I understand." Brad hummed quietly after a few minutes, nodding his head slightly, his curls bouncing with the movement.

"Do you think the impact killed him or do you think he drowned?" I whispered, asking him questions I've never been able to ask anyone else, asking Brad because I trusted him.

"The impact probably knocked him out, and then he drowned whilst he was unconscious." He hummed quietly "drowning is the least painful way to die, did you know that? Because you're usually unconscious before you die, so you don't know it's happening."

I nodded slightly "At least I know it didn't hurt, at least I know he couldn't hurt anymore." I hummed, feeling relieved to know he didn't die painfully.

"Yeah." Brad whispered, running his fingers over my knuckles "I'm sorry that happened to you Tris, I understand how hard it must be coming to terms with losing him and basically losing the rest of your life at the same time, I can't imagine how that must feel."

"It was hard." I mumbled back "fuck it still is Brad. Everyone is wondering why I can't get over him but he was my everything and I loved him so so so so fucking much and the fact he clearly didn't think about me before jumping, he clearly didn't love me as much as I loved him, because he wouldn't have jumped if he meant every single 'I love you' in the way I fucking meant it, it's hard. I thought we were going to be that couple, the one everyone envies, the one everyone admires because they're so goddamn happy and got their happily ever after. But what's going to fucking happen now? Where's my fucking happily ever after gone? How the fuck can I be happy and live happily ever fucking after when my fucking Prince Charming threw himself off this fucking bridge. It's not fair, and I can't help but feel like I fucking deserve it for wanting everything but giving nothing." I vented, tears streaming down my face in a mixture of anger, sadness and depression, whilst I was talking I had moved so my forehead was resting on the support, my hand stabilising myself.

Brad stayed silent and just held my hand as I let it all out, bringing up so many emotions that I had been trying so desperately hard to repress and keep to myself but I couldn't stop them from bubbling over and manifesting into the mess I was becoming sat on the edge of this bridge, brads hand feeling like his, Brad's mannerisms being so alike to my lost fiancé, even his fucking breathing reminding me of James in some way and it was so painful and I just wanted to scream and I just wanted to kiss him, Brad was my new infatuation, but it didn't feel right because part of me knew I was only sitting here with him right now because he reminded me of James and I was so desperate, and I knew how wrong it was, I couldn't keep doing this to him, I couldn't keep falling and expecting him to pick me back up and put me on my feet again.

I pulled my hand away from his gentle unsure grasp before pulling myself up onto my feet and took a couple steps back, Brad looking at me, concerned.

"Tris...are you okay?" He asked slowly "what's wrong?"

"I-I can't fucking do this anymore Brad!" I cried, resisting falling to my knees in my weakness

"What can't you do anymore tris? What's wrong? I'll help you, you're not alone." He asked, getting up and walking towards me "come on, speak to me please."

"I can't do this!" I said, gesturing to him "I can't do us, whatever the fuck we are, what we were going to be, it's not fair, it's not fair on you and it's not fair on me."

"Tris...don't....don't do this to me." Brad whispered, a single tear rolling down his cheek "we can talk it out, you can't deny we have chemistry! Tris...please, you make me so fucking happy."

"Yeah but you fucking remind me of him and it's so depressing having a constant reminder of what I've lost Brad! I can't do this, not anymore, I've tried."

"You know what? I don't think anyone will be able to fucking love you until you get over James and get over yourself! He's gone and he's never going to fucking come back and you're never going to see him again Tristan! Until you can learn to understand that then nobody will be able to stand you and nobody will be able to love you. It's almost been a fucking year, get over yourself and come back to me when you become and functioning human being!" The brown haired boy yelled, his face turning bright red with anger and pain before he turned away from me and ran down the street, in the direction of his flat, leaving me alone on the bridge, sobbing, and missing him already.