Songbird (Tradley AU)

Chapter 16 - Darling If You Stay Here

"I...uh...Brad." I stammered "I...I can't love you."

"...I don't understand." Brad whispered, tears pooling in his eyes

"And you never will. This is your what if Curley." I sighed as he smaller boy got off of my lap

"I don't want you to be my what if though." He whispered, tears slipping down his already rosy cheeks as his arms fell down by his side

"And I didn't want him to be mine yet here we are." I sighed sympathetically "I love you Curley I'm just not in love with you, I thought I was, but I don't think I could ever be in love with anyone again, I'm so sorry." I explained, getting up to leave

"Oh, oh." Brad whispered "I'm sorry I wasted your time."

"I'm sorry I wasted yours and I'm sorry I lead you on and used you to pull myself together, I'm sorry I only loved you because you reminded me of James, I'm sorry I came in to your life and broke you apart." I apologised, opening the door, taking one last look at the brown haired boy before leaving his apartment and heading home.

And yeah, as I was walking down the street, I cried.

I cried because I missed Brad, I cried because I missed James, I cried because I felt alone.

Because here's the thing about being depressed, it makes you feel alone, even when the whole world is on your side, it makes you think irrationally, and do irrational things.

It also makes you selfish, you don't realise it at the time but you are often so consumed by your own emptiness that you simply don't think about other people because you are so obsessed with trying to feel things and whilst in the moment you feel like you're being selfless and giving your all to someone to make them happy, when you take a step back and re-evaluate, you find that all you did was hurt the person you were trying to save and preserve.

Which is why it was so stupid of me to let Brad go.

I got into my house, and walked up the stairs, heading to my room. Once I was in the cream coloured room I walked over to the large wooden wardrobe that James and I had invested in once he had officially moved in and picked out the only suit I owned from the wooden casing before changing in to it.

Well, when you're meeting God, you're going to want to look nice aren't you?

I changed my shoes and headed back downstairs, picking up three roses, by now the roses I had bought fresh a couple days before I went to Adams had began to wilt and droop, some of the petals curling in on themselves around the edges and the veins in the delicate flowers had turned dark red, almost black.

I headed out of my house and locked the door before beginning to walk to the cemetery. Once there I went and knelt down at Connors grave.

"Hey dude." I smiled, placing one of the roses at the foot of the headstone "sorry I haven't visited in a while but depressions and bitch and I was so busy with Curley, but everything's gone to shit and I've come to say hello? Goodbye? I don't know which one," I smiled a little, tears dancing in my eyes as I played with the damp grass beneath my knees "basically shits got real bad dude, and I feel so alone and I miss James so much and I'm so useless without him, there's no point me staying here if all I'm going to do is miss him every day you know? I thought I was getting better because I had Curley but honestly my mind was just pretending that I was over James when really the only reason I even stayed with the boy was because he reminded me so much of him and it wasn't fair to keep playing games with him when all he wanted was love and a stable life? The poor kid has moved his entire life down here from Birmingham for god knows what reason and I was just being a dick to him? Like he has no friends down here yet, it just really wasn't fair." I rambled, wiping tears from my cheeks "you understand don't you?"

After a few more minutes talking to con I stood up and began heading to my final destination. The bridge.

I sat down on the edge, just as I had what felt like a thousand times before.

"Hey baby." I sniffed, wiping my nose on my sleeve "how are you doing? Have you missed me? Because I've been missing you so much, it's never hurt any more than it has today, and I think it's pretty useless me trying to resist what my heart wants any longer, yeah? I'll be seeing you so fucking soon, at least I hope that's what's going to happen, I hope so, I really do, I don't want to cause Brad this pain in vain you know? Because a little part-nah, fuck that, a big part of me loves him, you know? But nothing, not even love can counteract the pain of not being able to see you and kiss you and tell you that you're beautiful, and that's why I'm here right now Jamesy. Because I love Brad, but I can't love him because I'm too invested in you, and all I want, all my heart wants is you, and I thought I didn't miss you as much, I thought I was healing and I thought I could just about manage without you but when Brad kissed me and said that he loves me, I broke a little on the inside again, I don't want to live a lie, telling another boy I love him when I'm still in love with you? It's almost been a year and I'm still not over it, you were my life, my moon, my stars and universe and now I'm floating through life, never really enjoying myself, and I don't want that Jamesy. I want you, and I want you now." I cried, dropping James' slightly wilted rose into the water, holding the last one in my fingers, holding the stem so tightly I could feel the thorns digging into my hands, I looked down and saw crimson red dripping down my side of my hand from the wounds, slowly and shakily I let one of my hands loose from the other and reached down to the blood and dipped my finger in it before drawing a heart on the back of my hand, the motion being strangely soothing, calming almost.

The only thing I ever want anyone to take from me, my story (tragedy) is that no matter how much you want to love someone, you can't move on when you're still hung up on someone else, and whilst I was irrational and my actions were not thought through, I knew that what I was doing to Brad was wrong. So I left. Sometimes leaving does less damage than staying, both to you and the person you're leaving. If you're not happy I urge you to change that and I urge you to think before you act, fall before you fly, love before you die. We start as nothing and but I urge you to treasure your heartbreak and your faults and I urge you to try and make yourself happy, I urge you all to be kind and be considerate, I urge you to make more than nothing and be something, anything, be everything you can be in the time you have. Pain and heartbreak make you who you are and nothing can change the fact that you're hurting right now apart from time, give it time and it will most likely go away. Time can't break your heart, only take the pain away.

I urge you to think before you act
Think before you act
T h i n k b e f o r e y o u a c t

I need this.

"I'm sorry Brad, I'm sorry Adam, I'm sorry mum and dad, I'm sorry." I sniffed, wiping my nose again, as I stood up and turned around, my back to the water "hello Jamsey." I smiled small before counting down from three.

3...2...1...go.

And I fell. A smile on my face until the very end, I smiled because I knew it was over, I smiled because I could be with James again.