Songbird (Tradley AU)

Chapter Ten - Crashing Back To Earth

To the boy who's heart I will inevitably break,
You were so sweet, and you were everything to me, but you deserved oceans when I could only give you lakes, I'm sorry if I did anything wrong, I'm sorry if I wasn't enough for you. But I don't know if love is supposed to hurt like this and I don't know if I'm supposed to feel this aching in my chest, the kind that's screaming and reaching out to you and crying on your shoulder that it should have done more.

So this is to the boy I love.
The boy who's heart I will inevitably break because I loved him too much, but it wasn't enough.

All the love in the world, and all the best,
James x

My eyes welled with tears and my heart began to ache as it thumped loudly against my ribcage as I read over the neatly written letters for the hundredth time since finding the letter in a box full of loose notes, poems and song ideas that I had no idea existed because James had hidden it away from me, clearly in the hope that I wouldn't find it so I couldn't read his innermost thoughts, so I couldn't read the workings of his mind, a mind that was clearly hurting so much and working overtime, a mind that had given too much of Itself to other people and still felt inadequate, James had always been secretive when it came to negative feelings and how he felt, especially when it was anything less than the best, and I had only found these notes because I was trying to clean the house up, trying to remove any unnecessary paper work and some of the stuff of James' that I didn't need and didn't want to hold on to, otherwise the probably would have remained unread and undiscovered by anyone but James until the day I die.

My hands began shaking and I put the page down, images of both my lost fiancé and Brad filling my mind and clouding my thoughts. It had been a couple months since the fight at the bridge and neither of us had reached out to the other, and to say I didn't miss him would be a complete lie, to say that I hadn't loved him, I still do, wouldn't be doing him any justice. Brad was like the bandaid to my broken heart, holding the pieces together until they eventually fused and healed, but that band aid had been ripped off prematurely, leaving me bleeding out and open to the elements that I desperately needed to be protected from.

I should have done more to keep him around.

I should have tried harder to be okay

I took in a shaky breath and tried to compose myself, clear my head and stop my shakes, as I headed towards the door, throwing my hoodie on, as the days had started becoming cooler as summer began transitioning into autumn, I slipped a pair of vans on and unlocked the door, heading out in the direction of Brad's apartment. I dug my hands deep into my pockets as I trudged down the sidewalk, some of the early fallen leaves crunching under my heavy step.

Words flew around my head in a hazy mess as I began mentally composing something to say to Brad, something that would explain myself, ease his hurt and comfort him.

I walked for about ten minutes before ending up outside Brad's apartment, stopping outside the door as I heard the sound of the piano and Brad's voice merging together and dancing around the air, making a melody so beautiful that it stopped my in my tracks and rejumbled my already jumbled mind into a complete and utter mess.

"I worry about you not getting sleep,
'Cause you can't when the light creeps on in,
So I'd shut the curtains,
Who shuts the curtain now I'm gone?
And i worry about your body getting cold,
Cause I can't wrap around and keep you warm,
God knows I'm hurting,
But God knows you're worth it."

For about twenty minutes I say listening to Brad as he played the song over and over, occasionally stopping at certain places, presumably to change something and then carrying on, by this time I had picked up the tune and most of the lyrics so was quietly mouthing the words along with him and whilst I listened I had moved from my standing position to a seated one. My back against the cold stone wall and my legs spread across the length of the narrow corridor.

I closed my eyes and imagined Brad's face straining as he reached the chorus, as he tried to get the power and feeling into his voice as he sung the words, I tried to imagine his perfect fingers spreading over the monochrome keys of the piano. I closed my eyes and just imagined him as he sung, and how perfect he was.

I continued to sit listening to Brad as he made the song progressively better before someone came up the stairs to the floor of Brad's apartment holding two carrier bags from the local supermarket , stopping in front of the door, and looking down at me and frowning as he got his keys out of his pocket.

"Do I know you?" The tall, rather handsome man asked me, furrowing his brow "does Brad know you?"

"U-uh I'm a Friend...a friend of Brad's." I smiled quickly, stumbling to my feet as the guy put the key into the door and turned it before opening the apartment

"Right..." He hummed, stepping into the flat "Babe? There's someone waiting outside for you...they're your friend...apparently." He called into the space, I could hear Brad say something quietly before the sound of the piano stool being pushed back filled the room and Brad's footsteps carried him over to the door, which had been pulled too by who I had to assume was Brad's new boyfriend.

Babebabebabebabe I should be calling him that, he should be mine

"Yessss..." Brad answered the door, pulling it open, his mouth shutting firmly and his lips pursing together as he saw me standing at the door "Tristan..." He sighed "what...what are you doing here? Didn't I tell you I was done?" He sighed again, his hands falling by his side but his face remaining soft and sympathetic

"Brad...please, I...I" I stammered, my hands gesturing wildly as I tried to find the words to explain myself but all I could think about was how jealous of Brad's new boyfriend I was, how that should be me, but it's not because I was too scared to ask, too worried to make the move.

"Is there a problem baby?" The taller, older and more tanned boy asked, coming to the door and wrapping his arms around Brad securely

"Um.." Brad bit his lip, looked up at his boyfriend and looked up at me

"No...no problem at all, I was just um, just going." I answered, before taking a few steps backwards and hurrying away from the apartment.

"Tris! Tris wait, please, talk to me!" Brad called after me a few seconds after I had made my move to leave, but by this point I was already half way down the stairs and heading towards the exit, with no intention to go home.