Violent Kiss (TaeKai)

Couldn't Hate Enough To Love

Lying to myself hurts but lying to him hurt more. Like I'm bathing in flames, the tugging in my chest was so hard and painful, it's hard not to curl up and cry out. But I have to keep my cries in, to keep this beatiful boy with me.

Am I being selfish? When did being selfish became a problem for me? I've been selfish my whole immortal life, why does it hurt now?

I felt his arms tighten around me as my answer left my lips. "He's nothing important." I want to vomit, let out everything inside me.

Nothing important? Who am I kidding? He gave me my life, he was my life. How can he be someone not important when every fiber of me came from him, when he's a part of me that I can never scrub off nor clean. I'm not clean, I feel so dirty, so disgusting I want to break myself into pieces.

The thought of him hurts, even his name pierce my heart. I can't say it, hearing it coming from the lips of this perfect mortal angers and hurt me at the same time. Taemin doesn't deserve to know such disgusting creature, let alone say his name. He's too pure to even be haunt by the thoughts of my creator. Yet he is haunted by him, everything in my life is haunted by Kyungsoo.

I loved him. For all those years I can't even count anymore, even when we're apart, he had me. I thought I had him too but I didn't. He only cares for himself, he left me and led me on for so long. He hurt me yet I still loved him. I hate him all those years, I hate that I love him then. I loved him because my hate towards him was the only thing that made me feel alive, it was what kept me alive.

I craved his touch that disgust me for me to cringe inside, because at that time it's the only thing I can feel. And in this kind of life, you love what little things you posses that won't easily fade with time. I had my comforting hate towards him, making me the monster I am to survive.

And now that he's gone, I feel so incomplete, like something is missing. I'm just a vial of some feeling I don't recognize, hate was replaced with something unknown to me. Something scary that I can't stop.

I feel Taemin stiffen, I can tell that his mind is drifting off to somewhere, probably somewhere dark and fearful. I can feel the grief radiating from him and that hurts me. It kills me that I'm killing him with lies. Do I have to tell him about Kyungsoo? Does he deserve to know? Of course he does, how stupid am I. But does he deserve the pain it might cause him? Oh hell no. He doesn't deserve it and Kyungsoo is now part of my past. He's gone, forever. I don't think telling Taemin and bringing up his memories will do good to any of us. But why does it hurt to lie?

I cup his cheeks to make him look up at me, his chin pressing on my chest. He looks so beautiful, despite everything we did he radiates innocence. I kiss his forehead as silent apologies flood inside me. I bet he can see the guilt in my eyes but I can't open my mouth for those words to come out.

"Kai-ah?" Taemin quietly said with that deep yet soft voice of his, tugging my unbeating heart.

"Hmm?" I can't speak. Afraid that another lie will come out. Afraid that I'll hurt him with my answer again.

"Don't leave me." Those words hurt, I don't know why. It just did, yet it felt nice that he wants me. He doesn't want to leave me. Kyungsoo never said those words to me, ever. He let me go everytime, sometimes he's the one who pushes me to go. He never needed me.

Kyungsoo was my fire, he burned me, all of me until there was nothing left of me but then Taemin came. I feel the fire dies by his purity and innocence. He's like a breath of fresh air after so long of being deprived. A life for the dead, he revived me. I feel alive with him.

I never felt Kyungsoo even when I'm with him, we're two people in a room yet it felt like we're thousand miles away. I feel empty with him, maybe because he's empty himself. We're empty together.

I know I can't leave Taemin, because I know, I can feel that I just can't. The painful tugging in my chest and stomach says it all. Says everything I can't. I pulled him closer to me, crashing our lips together because I'm not good with words. I'm not good with expressing deep feelings except for anger. I can't say those words he wants to hear from me but I can express it with all my being, I just hope he'll notice.

I'll never leave him. Not for anyone or anything, especially not for that soulless Kyungsoo.

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Hi. This is an update. A very short update but it's nice to know what Kai really thinks about he-who-must-not-be-named. This sucks, I know. Didn't proofread this so...next chapter may or may not have Kyungsoo. 😉

The title came from Snuff by Slipknot and I got some inspiration from Hesitate by Stone sour coz I'm addicted to Corey Taylor rn. 😂✌

Im just gonna leave that picture here...