The Lost Diary of Rizal

Capítulo Once (CHAPTER XI)

CHAPTER XI

  Capítulo Once   

The days raced past me since the fateful morning my father and I had a dispute about Valentina. In my mind, I know he is right. And yet, in my heart I cannot accept the truth. I have been avoiding Valentina by accompanying father and kuya Paciano to the fields. We return, past supper when the sun had already set. I hardly ever speak to her. She noticed my change and I know she can discern that something is wrong. Whenever she does approach me, I brush her off, telling her I am busy. This quite is necessary for us. It will make things easier and less painful later on. But whenever I do so, whenever I keep away from her, the pain in me consumes me and I have started to detest myself. If only I can take it all back. 

I disregard her when she talks to me when what I really want to do is speak to her for the entire day. I look away when she looks at me, when in truth I wish to stare at her ceaselessly. I push her away whenever she touches me when all I yearn is to have her in my arms. I long to stop when she calls my name and bids me farewell each day we leave. And yet I do not, even once, turn to her call. I hurt her day by day instead of telling her how much she is significant to me, how much I love her. And yet I cannot. 

Soy un tonto insensible!

 What is the right thing to do? How would you know what is wrong from what is right when your mind and your heart cannot work as one? I realized that the third necessity is the hardest to achieve...

 ***

Rizal is acting odd lately. For the past week he had been avoiding me, or so I think. I could just be over thinking things. He's just helping out with their business. He is a guy after all. He can't just sit around the house all day. That's it. What else could it be? Even though I keep convincing myself that there isn't anything wrong, I feel otherwise. Ysabelle's words are mocking me, as well. She had said he's only playing with me. That's not true. I know it isn't... But it still hurts whenever I think about it. I should trust him like he asked me to. Yup! I should trust him! What else can I do to keep sane? 

"Ate Valentina, are you alright?" Panggoy asked me interrupting my thoughts. I'm glad she did. 

"Yeah, why do you ask?" I replied and smiled. 

"Because you looked like you were in pain." Choleng said worriedly. She's such an angel. They all are. 

"Did you have a fight with, kuya Pepe?" Panggoy asked me. 

"No!" I replied a little to rashly. "What made you say that?" 

"You have not been speaking to each other for a while now." Choleng implied. Even the kids noticed. 

"No, your kuya Pepe is just really busy. He's helping your father and kuya Paciano in the fields, right? I heard it's harvest season. There's a lot to do, so he needs to help out." I explained. I don't know if I'm convincing them or myself.

"I don't want you and kuya to fight. I want us to always be happy." Choleng said and was about to cry. 

"Do not say that, Choleng. Kuya loves ate Valentina. He will never do anything to hurt her." Panggoy told her sister. She's the strong one of the two but I felt her waver. 

"I will hate kuya if he hurts ate." Choleng sniffed. 

"Oh, girls,come here." I called them and wrapped my arms around them. It feels like we're a family going through divorce. 

***

As I was on my way down, I overheard the conversation my sisters are having with Valentina. I could feel my heart breaking. I should ignore them. I should just leave them to their talk. And yet, I could not. This is not who I am. It ached terribly.