Remind Me Again

022

022  (Ivan’s POV)

“Dreams feel real while we’re in them. It’s only when we wake up that we realize something was actually strange.”

~Cobb; Inception (Movie)

September 12, 2012                 

I left Tamara wandering at their front porch in search for my carcass. Surely, I am no magician who could disappear ahead of time. I hid myself behind a tree just near her house where I know I’d get a view of her. It’s hard to let her go that way. But in the bitter scheme of things I have been struck by my hamartia already. And this is not a joke; this time it’s for real.

I went home with a broken heart torn at the epicenter. Well, I spent too much of my time living as a hypopituitary patient that now I know very well how to feel. And you know what? I learned that love hurts. That to love is to die. You start dying when you learn to love someone. And when you put too much of yourself to that kind of love, you never leave something for yourself. That is why when they leave all of that love, all that has been once a part of you is taken away with them and you are left alone with an empty broken heart. All my life I’ve never known such a thing and when I did know about love, it was too late. I’ve let myself be pierced by rose thorns. The feeling is both bitter and sweet.

I knew Tam. I just didn’t recognize her until that night when I asked her to have dinner with me and my parents. The way she spoke of that accident, it had hit my own thoughts like a tidal wave. She remembers only half of it while I torment myself with the other half. At first I just thought it was a coincident that her accident happened in the same intersection but her statement had my greatest fear realized. I am responsible for Tam’s accident. I am responsible for breaking her life and taking away her ability to remember.

As the flashbacks came rushing to my head… the way her soft brown eyes opened to sought mine, I realized she was asking me to end the pain. To just put the bullet to her head. Instead, I lived with my cowardice and I had let her suffer the injury that even doctor’s couldn’t mend. The thought had hunted me for two days already and I hated myself for doing it to Tam. I can’t understand why fate has to be cruel with us.

Seeking comfort, I went to the town’s church. Don’t mock me. Even though I am banned from this church I am still a baptized Christian, I have every right to be here. Anyways, the church wasn’t that small, it was just enough size to fit religious town’s people. I don’t know why of all places, my feet had brought me here. My subconscious whispered for me to go to confession which in fact I did. But when I did, I found out that I was pouring my soul out to no one in particular because the confession booth was priest empty. Pissed off, I stormed out of the church and I threw my irritation right at the person who decided to call my phone.

“Whoa, man. Take it easy. I mean no harm.” Dan says on the other line.

“Just further damage I suppose.” I muttered.

“Are you okay? You sound so… preoccupied.”

I rolled my eyes as I went inside my car. “You have no idea.”

“Well,” he hesitated. He even sounds not Dan at all. “I just want to update you with the ah… you know, the guy you…”

“Jared Sherwood.” I cut him off.

“Who?”

“He’s Tamara’s ex.”

“Oh.”

Silence. Then he came back with his curses at me.

“So it’s… it’s… you—”

“Yes. I did it, Dan.” I said as I let out a breath. “I cause goddamn shit on Tamara’s life.” I suddenly feel very uncomfortable with the topic. Not with Tam’s picture hanging on my rearview mirror. “Listen, I need to go. I’ll just call you back later.”