Life's Not A Doughnut

Chapter 15 ~ After

I hook the coloured lights over the top of the window seal and run the cord down towards the power point.

"You guys ready?"

"Light 'em up, Nors!" Mia enthuses.

I plug in the lead and flick the switch. The red and green Christmas lights brighten and bring the bakery to life.

"That looks great!" Annie smiles at the lights that hang across the window at the front of the shop.

I join them back at the counter and sit down in one of the black plastic chairs.

"I love Christmas. I love the atmosphere." Annie thinks out loud.

Mia pauses from cutting out a cardboard letter, "My favourite part is being with my family and friends. All getting together and just having a good time."

"I like the reactions on people's faces when I give them their presents. It makes me feel like I'm doing good." I add.

"Speaking of, are you gonna be a part of our Secret Santa again this year, Nora?"

I try not to look utterly shocked as I turn to Mia. "Are you serious?"

"Of course I am. You said you and my brother aren't fighting. Annie, Rose, and a couple of our other friends are in it too."

"I dunno. Isn't it weird? I don't want it to be awkward. What if Will gets me or I get him? That's weird, isn't it?"

Mia smiles. "If you don't want to, that's ok. But it would be fun if you were. It's just us younger people, no adults. We'll have a separate Christmas gathering at the end of the day or something, after everyone has spent time with their families."

"Please Nora," Annie begs, "it will be fun I promise."

My gut feeling is telling me not to do it. How in any way could this go smoothly? But with Mia and Annie's hopeful eyes on me, I find it impossible to refuse.

"Alright then."

"Yay!" Exclaims Annie.

"When are the names being drawn?"

"Since it's like two and bit weeks away, hopefully tomorrow. Oh and another thing! After Christmas a heap of us from school are going camping for New Years on the beach. The plans are all a bit up in the air but you should come to that too." Mia says.

"I think you're forgetting one tiny detail. Everyone at that school hates me."

"Love, hate, it's a very fine line."

Annie interrupts, "Yeah um, no ones actually told me why it is that everyone apparently hates you? From what I've seen, you are a good person."

Mia and I share a glance before she replies with, "Not really that important."

"Can we just deal with Christmas first and then talk about this New Year party afterwards?" I ask rhetorically.

The room falls silent until we hear the back door open and close. Will appears from the back room and immediately makes eye contact. I can feel the other two watching us watch each other.

"Look what we made!" Annie breaks the ice by standing up and showing Will the decoration they made. Letters they cut out are strung together to spell 'Merry Christmas' which will be attached to the front of the counter.

"Wow, that looks good. So does the rest of the place, you girls did well." Will says as he goes over to Annie, kissing her fondly on the forehead and making her blush.

"Ok well I'll see you guys later. I should go home and help mum decorate our tree." I make my way to the front door of the bakery.

"I'll let you know who you have for Secret Santa as soon as I can," Mia calls to me as I leave.

I take deep breaths to control my anxiety.

+++++

My mother is particularly chipper today. She switches between humming and singing the lyrics of the songs she has playing quietly through the speakers. She prances around on her toes, half dancing as we decorate the tree.

"Why are you so happy?" I hang a bauble up on a high branch.

"It is Christmas time, Nora, why aren't you happy?" 

I shrug, "I feel so lost this year. This will be our first Christmas where we won't go over to the O'Briens' for family dinner."

Her shoulders sag, "We don't need them, sweetheart. We have fun on our own, right?" She playfully nudges me, "I'm not like other mum's, I'm a cool mum."

"Did you just quote 'Mean Girls'?" I laugh.

"You have only yourself to blame," she laughs too, "You made me watch it."

"It is basically a classic of my generation!"

"No no no. A classic is a movie that is actually worth watching like 'Titanic' or 'The Sound of Music'."

"'The Sound of Music' is rubbish."

"Watch your mouth, my daughter, Julie Andrews is my favourite actress of all time."

"I admit, she is amazing."

As we hang the tinsel around the tree, I realise how little I know about my own mother. I know her like anyone else would know her. Her hobbies, her habits, her basic preferences. But what's her favourite colour or her favourite flower? Her favourite band or the name of her best friend from high school?

It was upsetting most of all because, I knew each answer to those questions about Cassie O'Brien. Why had I spent so much time over the years getting to know a mother that wasn't mine when I had my own waiting for me at home.

"Mum?"

"Yes?"

"Did you hate me because I was never around?"

"Never around when?"

"All these years I spent staying over at the O'Brien's and practically living at their house majority of the time. Do you wish I had of spent more time with you?"

"Do you wish you had of?"

"Not at the time. But now looking back on it I see how much we were apart. We led two different lives to each other."

"I love having you around, Nora, you are all I've got and I love you so much. At times, yes, I wish you had of wanted to be around me more. But those kids were the siblings I was never able to give you, you were happy with them. I felt like trying to trap you with me would only push you away anyway, so I let you go."

"I'm so sorry. We could have been so close if it wasn't for me being with them all the time."

She pulls me in and hugs me tightly, something we very rarely do. I decide I need more hugs from her, making a mental note to do it more often.

She strokes my hair softly, "You are my daughter and I will always love you, no matter what decisions you make."

I get the feeling she is not only talking about what we were just discussing.

"I love you too, Mum."

~~~~~