TF2 Oneshots (plus koalas)

Dinner date - Sniper X Reader

Pic not mine, but suits the humour of the fic. ^.^ Sorry that so many fics are of sniper but he's mah man! Probably going to post a Spy version of this fic later... Because I have 'Smooth Operator' stuck in my head and can think of literally nothing else.

Language warning!

~ Y/N's POV ~

"Bloody disgusting," Sniper nearly snorted as we walked into the restaurant. "None of this shit is even remotely Australian."

"After you insulted everyone at Outback Steakhouse, this is the best we can do," I suppressed a laugh, and moved to the woman ready to seat us.

I immediately decided that I didn't like her. She smiled politely at me, but when she saw the man next to me, her eyes widened, and she leaned casually over her desk, flaunting her clearly implanted 'assets'. "What can I do for you?" she simpered, clearly ignoring that I was even there.

"Reservation for two, under the name Red." Sniper recited, blessedly oblivious to the open flirtation.

"Red? As in the colour?" The woman looked confused.

"Red as in don't show us to our bloody table and I'll make everything above your neck a fine red mist..." He tilted his head so that the brim of his hat covered his eyes, casting a dark shadow. The woman instantly stopped making a move on my man, and hurriedly showed us to a neat little wooden table with bar seats.

"You're actually taking your hat off?" I marvelled, as Sniper put the akubra on the table next to him. "Course," he said, as if it was the most obvious thing in the world. "Only place blokes wear a hat inside is at the pub."

I picked up the menu and immediately turned it over, scanning for the hot drinks. "Food's on the other side, Sheila..." Sniper pointed out, but I playfully shushed him. "Need... Coffee..... Now...." I put on my best coffee-deprived zombie voice. He laughed and replied with a half-hearted "Mocchhhaaaaa" in the way that a zombie would usually call for brains.

* a mere 30 seconds later *

"Let's order already, I'm bloody starved." I peeked over the list of cappuccinos and iced chocolates to see my boyfriend with his head resting on the table. "Naww, is wittle Snipes hungy?" I teased, ruffling his hair. "Yep." Sniper replied matter-of-factly, but I didn't miss the cheeky grin on his face as he leaned into my touch.

"What'll it be then hun?" The hooker (um, I mean waitress) appeared, with her cleavage even more emphasised than before. I frowned at her, kinda pissed off that she didn't realise he was on a date... With his girlfriend.

I put my hand over Sniper's, lightly stroking his knuckles with my fingertips. He looked at me and raised an eyebrow, and I vaguely gestured towards the waitress. He smirked, getting my meaning.

"Hmm, I'll let my stunning Sheila order first." He brought my hand to his lips in a mockery of Spy's flirting, and out of the corner of my eyes I saw the waitress's expression darken. I looked at the menu again. "I'll have the carbonara, with some chips for starters." I barely glanced at her, instead flirtatiously smiling at the handsome Aussie opposite me.

"And you sir?" She thrust out her chest further and tilted her head to the side, a last-ditch attempt at... well, at whatever she was trying to achieve here.

"I'll have the steak Diane burger," he winked at me. "Medium rare, like my pure unadulterated love." I raised an eyebrow at him and pressed my lips together to keep from laughing, trying to make the connection between medium rare steak and 'pure, unadulterated love'. Our waitress gave up and sauntered off with our order.

"Pure, unadulterated love?" I echoed, shaking my head and chuckling. Sniper laughed too. "What? I was just saying that my love is like..." He paused. "Like steak?"

I raised an eyebrow. "Like steak." I said flatly. Sniper furrowed his brow, and sat in a state of total concentration for a few moments. "Yeah, ok I can see how that doesn't make sense."

After a few minutes of more corny jokes and idle chatter, the steak burger and chips arrived at our table. It was a massive burger, badly put together with a small steak knife stuck in the top, like a toothpick through a sandvich.

"Looks like a really bad way of sneaking a weapon into prison," I joked, pulling the chips towards me and snacking on them. Sniper chuckled. Pulling the steak knife from the burger, he licked the sauce from it almost seductively. "Stab stab stab..." he whispered.

I tried not to blush, but my face betrayed me. "So cute," Sniper murmured, and reached out to tuck a lock of my hair behind my ear. Which of course, made me blush even harder. I closed my eyes to will the redness in my cheeks away.

~ Sniper's POV ~

I watched Y/N's cheeks slowly blush a deep scarlet, and she closed her eyes, scrunching her nose up in the cutest way. I couldn't help myself - I did what a bloke had to do with a gorgeous, yet totally oblivious sheila in front of me.

I grinned and stole a chip from her plate.

"Enjoying your meal?" The annoying waitress turned up again, staring at me in a pretty creepy way. I ignored it and held Y/N's hand across the table pointedly.

"Yeah, it's fine. Just wondering why you didn't serve my lady first. It's the polite thing to do." I said slowly and pointedly, and across the table, Y/N was clearly trying not to laugh. The waitress sighed and left.

Moments later, the carbonara arrived. It wasn't nearly as well put together as my order. It looked like just a bowl of pasta with a blob of sauce and a few bits of chicken and bacon. Y/N took one look at it, and said "Bloody waitress."

~ Y/N's POV ~

Sniper snorted at my use of his favourite curse word. "At least I didn't call her a bogan," I muttered. I received a kiss on the forehead for my trouble.

"Let's get out of here and get you something decent to eat." Sniper said, his burger already finished. He called for the bill, and the waitress rolled her eyes as she collected my untouched plate.

"Next time we're getting takeout." I squeezed Sniper's hand as we walked towards his van. "I'll be the waiter," he promised, making me laugh. Behind us, we could hear the serial waitress flirting with her next bewildered victim.

Woo additional notes!

In Ye Olden Days (i.e. anytime before the 1970s) women would wear hats inside, but men would always take their hat off out of respect. The only place men would ever wear a hat inside was at the pub.

No one get all feminist and rant on me, not saying I agree, that's just the way it was back then!

Also I made Sniper take his hat off because he's just such a gentleman ^.^ hahahah.... haha... (Deliberately ignores issue of Jarate.)

And about the waitress... Come on, we've all met someone like that. Sorry not sorry. :3

Thanks for reading!