Incandescent | Phan

Epilogue

Dan,

I suppose I should start of by saying that I love you. I love you so much, Dan and you mean so, so much to me and that's why I had to do this. I did this for us. We were so naïve the first time around and this time it'll probably worse, we have to be smart Dan we know this will never work out, this is the only way.

I wanted to say all of this to your face, to make you understand more but I know I'd break down in tears and you'd convince me to stay and I can't have that. This has to happen. I'm not good with words so we will see how this goes, I guess.

You remember that day at the hospital? When we visited Chris? He explained everything to me, he said that the consequences would be worse the second time around. No matter what, we can't chance it. One of us would end up dead one way or another and I couldn't live with seeing you dead so this is why I'm doing this, I'm going first so I don't have to live with the pain of having you gone.

Don't blame Chris. He didn't push me to do this. I did this myself; I chose to do this. If you want to blame someone, blame me.

Yeah, maybe I'm selfish. But I would rather be selfish than have you gone. I couldn't see a life without you, you've made mine significantly better and I thank you for that. You were my sunshine whilst I was surrounded by rain.

I want you to procreate with Louise, I want you to be happy and when you have a little mini Dan you better name one of them after me. Don't let me die in vain, and don't you forget about me either! I won't accept that. Also make sure my headstone has something cool on it, something that I would say. It better be something witty or I will definitely haunt you Daniel Howell.

They tore us apart but I'll wait for you, I'll be sat on the hill, watching the stars just like we used to do waiting for when you'll join me and then we will walk past the river and to the cabin where we will rest in peace. Together.

We may not have been destined together in life but in death, we always were.

But please, be happy and enjoy your life.

You deserve it.

All the love,

Phil.