《 What if we run away? 》

↠ chapter four

"Thank you, Hansol" it takes a load off my mind and that's the only thing I can say right now.

"You don't need to thank me. I just think you're pretty cool" he smiles.

"You are too" I nudge him with my elbow.

For a split second, our eyes meet and it feels like as if he was looking right into my soul and that all my problems disappeared. For a short moment I felt complete.
We sat here for almost two hours already, it gets colder and the wind starts to blow.

"I want to ask you this for a while now; don't you find it weird that I'm an Idol? I mean you must have been shocked when I told you about it" asks Hansol.

I look down to my feet and gulp. All this time I pretended not to know him or anything he does, that he's a complete stranger to me.

"To be honest, I already knew who you are, Hansol.." I say even though I didn't plan on telling him this but I always felt kind of bad for not doing so.
He immediately turns his head to me with a questioning look on his face.

"What do you mean you knew? How? And why didn't you tell me??" he asks.

"I didn't want to make a fuss about it. I know that Idols aren't allowed to hang out with any girls or fans and I didn't want to come off as a crazy fangirl, because I'm far away from it. I want to treat you like a normal guy and not like a celebrity since you're just a human like me and I only want to make you feel comfortable."

Hansol looks away from me and seems to be lost in his thoughts. I start to feel nervous and anxious that he's mad at me for not letting him know that I knew who he was back then when we first met.

"I understand. Did you tell someone about me?" he asks.

"No, I didn't tell anybody. I want to keep it my own little secret and I don't want you to be in trouble."

"Well, that's good."

"Are you mad at me for not telling you this?" I ask and I already feel so shitty about my behaviour.

"I'm not mad at you, I'm just really surprised and don't know what to say." I clench my teeth as he says this. I should have never approached him and pretended not to know him.. At this moment I feel the urge to go home and crawl under my blanket and never come out again.

We sit in silence for the next minutes but it actually feels like hours. I feel so stupid for not telling him the truth right away but I just want to get to know him as an ordinary boy and not as a celebrity. Is that too much to ask for?

"It's late and it's cold. Should we go home?" Hansol's first words after our awkward silence.

I look at him, to see his state of mood but he just stares into the distance.

"Yeah, let's go home.." I say.

He stands up from the ground first, and reaches out for my hand to help me up but he's not even looking at me while doing so. I get the feeling that he's disappointed in me and I suddenly feel an ineffable pain in my chest. I grab his hand and he lifts me up.

We take the bus to my home, where we hug and thank each other for the day. It was a rather cold good bye than usual, he makes his way to the metro and I go inside my apartment.

I still feel so muddled and bad for not telling Hansol. I did him wrong and I think that he doesn't want to spend time with me anymore. I go to bed and try to fall asleep so I don't have to think about it any longer. I just closed my eyes when I get a text message. I grab my phone to see who texted me.

「  9:36pm
      Hey, girl how was ur day?
      My colleagues and I went out
      for dinner today. It was really fun!
     I hope you're alright.
     See u, xoxo                                                 」