living with them, ginny weasley & the marauders

twenty one

chapter twenty one; crying is sometimes the best way to straighten out your thoughts

Lily ran through the Hogwarts grounds, the harsh wind whipping hard against her face and the salty tears rolling slowly down her cheeks. She wanted — no, she needed — to be alone right now. She could barely look any of her friends in the eye anymore. Not Severus, not Remus, not Marlene and most certainly not James — although, she wasn't quite sure that he would fit into the 'friends' category.

She wished beyond anything that James wasn't mad at her for running off on him. She hoped that he knew that her out break wasn't his fault. Well, not entirely his fault anyway. Maybe partially. Right now, this was all more of a personal thing for Lily. She needed to get her thoughts and feelings straightened out once and for all.

But the more that she tried to contain them, the louder Lily's sobs became. She sniffled noisily and tried to wipe away her tears, but despite her best efforts, they wouldn't stop spilling from her blotchy, red, blood stained eyes. She stopped running once she'd reached the big tree near the edge of the Black Lake and drew in sharp, audible and very shaky breaths. Silence surrounded her, with the exception of the soft howl of the wind and her loud cries of despair.

She slumped against the tree and buried her face in her hands as she slowly slid down to the ground, her body shaking heavily with every breath. She sat in a tuck sit with her forehead resting on her knees, and only looked up occasionally when she felt the need to sniffle and wipe her face again.

Lily wasn't like this; she had never been one to break down and cry. However, recently, it had become almost a daily occurrence. She'd tried numerous times to convince herself that it was just the stress of seventh year and her uncertain future dangling in front of her eyes — so close, yet not within reach — or perhaps just the fact that she was terrified about the war, but she knew that she was just deceiving herself.

The war has been going on for more than just the past few days, and Lily was passing her seventh year with flying colours so far. The real change had been with James. In the past couple of weeks they had gone from being best friends, to dating, to — well, Lily wasn't quite sure what they were now. She didn't want to date him anymore, but she didn't want to cut him out of her life. She couldn't quite figure out exactly why she didn't want to be his girlfriend, nor could she see any reason in why she had been acting so hostile towards him since they broke up.

Nothing made sense to her at the moment.

Sure, there was that whole issue with Ginny, but Lily knew that she didn't actually have any evidence to support that argument. All she knew for a fact was that they kissed. Plus, she had given Ginny another chance, so why not James? She'd known Ginny for all of 7 hours, whereas she had known James for the past seven years. She didn't know what was stopping her from trusting him again, but she just couldn't bring herself to do it.

In a wave of shock, a thought suddenly occurred to Lily. Was this what heartbreak felt like? No, it couldn't be. You could only have your heartbroken if you were in love, right? At least, that's how Lily had always known it to be, and she was sure she hadn't been in love with James.

She'd definitely had some sort of feelings towards him at some stage, and in all honesty, she wasn't quite sure if they'd subsided yet or not. Whether they would ever leave was a question that Lily tried her best to ignore. Yet, the more she attempted to forget it, the more she found it at the front if her mind.

Lily knew her behaviour towards him had been ludicrous since the whole debacle. She was usually known as the smart, kind girl, who'd always see the goodness in others. But she hadn't been any of that the past few days. In fact, she's been almost the exact opposite; she'd ignored him, she'd snapped at him, and hell, she'd even tried to turn people against him. All because of what? A kiss she had no information about? Lily was ashamed of how pathetically she had acted.

She couldn't date James. She didn't know why. It was too hard to put in words. She loved him very much, but not necessarily in the way that people would probably expect her to. Or maybe she did? Lily didn't know if she loved him in that way. She certainly hoped she didn't, because she refused to date him.

Okay, so maybe it wouldn't have made sense if she had tried to say it out loud. But the point was, she was going to follow her head and not her heart because that was the logical thing to do. That's what her dad had always told her, and that phrase often came with the words 'especially if the situation includes boys'. Her instinct told her that she shouldn't date James, and so that was exactly what she was going to do.

Maybe it was just because Lily didn't want to trust people. She didn't want to have to rely on others for her own happiness. She just wanted to be capable. She wanted to be strong. She wanted to be independent. She wanted to be a powerful woman who didn't need a boy to survive.

It was all those things, but Lily knew that there was something more to it that she couldn't quite place her finger on. There was something else that was stopping her. Whatever it was, Lily had the feeling that even if she knew it, it would be something that she wouldn't care to admit.

She and James would be friends. They could be friends, and that's all. Best friends, even, but no more than that. Maybe even platonic soulmates, but Lily drew the line there.

Although that was hard to believe given their history. They had a very odd relationship to be perfectly honest. They were good as rivals, yet they could be the greatest team that the world had ever seen. If anyone had mentioned to Lily two years ago that she would think of James as her 'platonic soulmate', she probably would have punched them. Now, if anyone told her that she couldn't see James, she would hex them into next year.

Fairytales don't always have a happy ending, do they? Maybe once upon a time, James and Lily would have been a fairytale and lived happily ever after like Cinderella and Prince Charming, but now that reality had sunk in, Lily had realised that sometimes the mean step mother (aka logic) could win.

Well, the metaphor made sense in her head anyway. Again, the point was, she wasn't going to date James. But of course, she wasn't going to hate James either. She was definitely going to miss him, but she knew she had to move on with her life.

Lily sniffled one last time and wiped away a final tear as she decided one thing:

It's time to be a big girl now, and big girls don't cry.

There was no way in hell that she could let him go. As hard as it was going to be, Lily was going to make sure that they were friends, even if it was the last thing that she ever did. But what in Merlin's name was she going to say to him after all this?

Lily started pacing back and forth frantically, trying to practice what she would say when she got the chance to do so — whenever that opportunity chose to present itself. She pulled at her hair in frustration and scrunched her eyes shut in overwhelming thoughts.

This was not going to be easy.

"James, I'm so sorry. Can we please talk — ugh no," Lily sighed and smacked her head at her pathetic attempt, and started again. "I know I've been freezing you out the last few days but I really think that — ugh! No, okay, erm. You can do this, Lily...just, just tell him how you really feel. Okay, er, James. I love you—"

"I love you too, Lily."