I wish I didn't //Shalaska

I need you. I can't have you.

Authors note- This chapter is pretty sad, guys but I promise that it's all gonna be fine soon :)
Trigger warning- alcoholism, mental illness and self harm.

Willam's POV
Courtney and me waved as Alaska got off the bus. Anthony went to help her with the case we loaded into the bus and the second the door closed I pulled Court closer, my arms around her waist. She swooned like she was in a dream and our lips collided sweetly. "Uhm... Willam?"
"Yeah."
"I like you, a lot."
"You're not bad, Court."
Her lips spread into a smile. I liked making her happy, goddamnit.

Alaska's POV
As soon as the door shut behind me I knew I was safe. I felt more happy alone than with them and I didn't really like other people. I pulled out my phone and rang Sharon.
"Hey."
"Hieee!"
"Lasky! What's up?"
"I.. uh... I wanna see you. Are you free?"
"Um yeah, but we have a show together next week."
"I know, I just can't wait that long."
"Where'd you wanna meet?"
"There's this really cool bar I found called Beanies and it's pretty laid back. They serve vegetarian food too. How about meeting at 8?" I blurted out.
"Okay, see you there."
"Byeeee."
"Byeeee."
That was awkward. As soon as she put the phone down I realised my mistake. A bar. I was taking an alcoholic to a fucking bar.

Courtney's POV
As soon as Anthony entered the bus again he saw Willam's arm around me and my head on her shoulder and clocked us straight away. "You guys...what's going on?" I looked at her scared before she snatched her arm from my waist. "Nothing. It's nothing." My face fell. "Willam? Really?" I asked. "Yeah, nothing." She said, clinically. We sat at opposite sides of the bus. I found some monkey nuts to keep me company and she went on her phone. I didn't wanna think about it too much. Eventually I got to my house and nonchalantly left the bus, not acknowledging Willam. As soon as I shut the door, I caved. Tears streamed down my face and I wondered how I'd foolishly believed that someone like Willam could actually have feelings for me. I pulled my iPhone out of my pocket and dialled Alaska's number.
"Hieee!" She answered.
"Hey Alaska." I murmured.
"Court... are you okay?"
"Yeah." I lied. "Just that Willam pissed me off a bit."
"Oh. I asked Sharon out on a date!!" She screamed.
"Have fun. Remember that you're loved no matter what and if she hurts you, please ring me, I'm happy to help." I paused. "Cause I know about that stuff."
"Thanks Courtney."
"Bye Lasky."
"Byeeeee."

Sharon's POV
I was nervous to meet Alaska at Beanies, so reluctantly, I got ready, changing my suit, jacket and tie at least 4 times each, until I felt as satisfied as I could. I told Chad I had a meeting with a promoter or someone because I didn't think that he needed to know. Butterflies appeared in my stomach for once in a long time and I remembered how often I had them with Alaska. I knew I felt more nervous than ever, and that was so out of my comfort zone. I got in the car and shut the door. I looked down at my hands and black painted nails. They were shaking like I was jittery. I realised I hadn't had a drink all day and the anxiety kicked in.

Alaska's POV
I forgot how fun it was to get ready as a boy. I put on a suit, which was what me and Sharon would wear to formal occasions together, and skinny jeans. She liked my thighs. I remembered that. Somehow I felt naive, as if I was in the mindless pit of young love once more, a place where nobody else existed apart from me and her, Justin and Aaron, Alaska and Sharon.
***

Sharon's POV
I don't know what I was thinking when I ordered the first whiskey. Or the second. Or the third, fourth and fifth. When Alaska saw me, I knew she'd be upset but I was too scared to not drink, I didn't want to be boring or anything. When she saw me I must have been so drunk that she just freaked out. "FUCKING Hell!" She exclaimed. I remember slurring, telling her to be quieter. "You're a goddamn mess Sharon and I thought I could love you. I really did, but I can't when you're influenced by goddamn whiskey. That's when you become violent and I don't want that. See you in Hell." She ran away, crying. I thought I could try to run after her but as soon as I stood up, I felt like I was gonna fall over again. I just sat down, downed the drop of whiskey in my hand and cried.

Alaska's POV
Hurt wasn't even the word. She fucking betrayed me again, she cared about drink, never mind me or even Chad. I ran out into the rain and water marbled with my tears. I ran all the way home, never looking back to see if she followed. I felt cold, the wind knifing at my cheeks but inside I felt warm. Crying made me warm. I shut the door behind me and ran upstairs, to my room, flopping on the bed. I wasn't gonna be able to cope, I knew it. In a flurry of emotions I reached for the blade and vertically sliced the thin skin of my wrists open. As the blood formed, tears spilt onto my wrists and blood became thinner. I felt a strange sense of relief. Anger struck me and I slit deeper and quicker, frequently exclaiming in pain. "You made her like this. You're in love with her. And now you can't face it, you can't be with her and you'll never be happy." Some voice in my head told me. The second I put the blade down and looked at my red wrists I felt instant regret.