I wish I didn't //Shalaska

Help.

Trigger warning- graphic self harm and general depressing tones
Authors note- Thanks for 200 reads you guys! Ps this chapter is sad and awkward too I'm sorry 😐

Alaska's POV
I woke up, still in my fucking bloody suit and saw the red stained sheets. Shit. I remembered Courtney telling me to ring her if it went wrong last night but I felt embarrassed about butchering my arms. Reluctantly I texted Court.
I think I need your help, Court. I fucked up big time last night 😞 x
Sent.
I had no reason to get out of bed and frankly, no motivation so I wrapped myself up like a sad bed burrito and tried to fall asleep again.

Courtney's POV
My phone buzzed and woke me from a dazed sleeping state. I didn't sleep well because Willam's passive "It's nothing."  repeated in my head all night.
Lasky 😜- I think I need your help, Court. I fucked up big time last night 😞x
Holy shit. I was scared by her text, to be honest I wasn't the best person to help her, I was pretty clinical when it comes to emotions. The only thing I could think of doing was texting Adore. She was good with cheering people up and saying, well, the right things. When I unlocked it, my phone buzzed again.
Willam 💋- I hurt you. I'm sorry x
Willam just fucking apologised. I was confused. I guess she must have had feelings otherwise she wouldn't feel guilty because "Emotions are for ugly people." Two things had surprised me today, and it wasn't even 10:30.

Adore's POV
I was sleeping, as usual when my stupid phone woke me up. "Fuck!" I exclaimed. My hand reached out onto the cold dresser and fumbled for the metallic form of my iPhone. Once I gripped it, my hand dropped it on the cold floor of my room. I leant off my bed, trying hard to see and reach it without opening my eyes and somehow ended up stuck hanging off my bed. Shit. I opened my eyes, grabbed my phone and hoisted myself into bed before checking the time. 10:30. I had a text.
Courm 🌸- Come help me cheer Alaska up. Something pretty bad happened between her and Sharon and I'm no good with emotions x
I text her back telling her I'd be at hers just before 11:30, which gave me an hour to get ready. (45 mins to sleep, 5 mins to throw on clothes and 10 mins to speed to her house.)

Alaska's POV
Court had text me that she was gonna come to mine with a surprise to cheer me up and we were gonna watch a Golden Girls marathon. I didn't want to be cheered up. Hell, I didn't even care about Golden Girls. I cared about hiding what I'd done to myself. In an attempt to reconcile, I got out of bed and slowly shed my layers of clothes. I put some long sleeved PJs on. I changed the blood stained sheets and hid the evidence. I angrily threw the blade in the toilet and flushed it down. Then, I went down to the pantry, washed my cuts and bandaged them up. When the water hit them, suddenly everything became jarring and real. Sharon didn't love me enough to give up alcohol even for one single day. I slumped up the stairs and got changed aimlessly, realising it was almost 11:30. I took at least an hour to give myself any motivation to do the simplest tasks. Inside, I felt empty, the burning sensation of starvation (I didn't eat since yesterday's breakfast and I didn't want to eat now) warmed my whole core. I felt empty without Sharon and I wanted to run away to a fantasy land where everything was good, and where last night didn't happen. I liked to run away.

Courtney's POV
Unexpectedly, Adore was early. She ran in, and we body slam type hugged. I told her about Willam and I, I guess I needed some advice. She told me to stop putting my heart on the line and that Willam likes 'just sex'. Who knew Adore could be one of the greatest Agony Aunts? Messy haired, grunge looking Adore suggested we get Alaska's favourite pizza to cheer her up. "It always cheers me up!" She justified. I giggled. We travelled to the local (pizza place) and ordered a spicy tomato bread for me, a four cheese for Alaska and a meat feast for Adore. After the pizzas were handed to her, Adore tried opening the bag to get a slice. "Wait." I giggled. We drove to Alaska's, as Adore moaned about the smell of pizza in the car.

Alaska's POV
I'd managed to sit downstairs, staring at the blank TV when Courtney rang the doorbell. I heard someone else outside, shouting about something dumb. I got up and unlocked the door. Adore stood with Courtney, who was holding a stack of pizza boxes.
"Hieee!" My tone fell flat.
"Hey Lasky." Adore cooly spoke.
"We brought you PIZZA!" Court exclaimed, emphasising pizza. I let them in, Adore grabbed the pizza and set it down on the coffee table, while Courtney gave me a solemn hug. "Are you okay?" She whispered.
"No. I can't say I am." I stuttered, tears falling down my cheeks. I felt as if I had to be happy for the sake of Adore.
***

Alaska's POV
I tried to have fun when I was sat on the couch eating the pizza and watching re runs but I wanted to be empty again. I hated what I'd done and by the time the 4th episode of Golden Girls had cheered the mood, I pulled the focus to Courtney and Willam.
"She said it was nothing." She explained. "She told Anthony that what we had was nothing, seconds after she kissed me." It was satirical to tell each other of our problems.
"Guys. I have something really serious to confess." I drawled. "I regret seeing Sharon last night. She turned up drunk. " Adore's jaw dropped. "Long story short I got really depressed and I think it's all my fault she doesn't love me, I'm a fool and now I've done something really bad don't blame her and please don't tell her." I blurted before a pause.
"What did you do?" Courtney asked, dumbfounded. I rolled my sleeves up and discarded the bloody bandages. "I'm so sorry." And I broke down crying.

Courtney's POV
I was truly shocked at the way Alaska had haphazardly butchered her tiny wrists. "Sharon loves you." Adore blurted out in shock. "She confessed to me on BOTS. She doesn't really love Chad, she loves you. Honestly."
Alaska looked up at Adore and paused before crying even harder. "What have I done?" She questioned, curling up in foetal position. I consoled her. "We can fix this."
***
So Adore and I began cutting out fabric in the glove template we made from scratch. Alaska, who didn't want to be near scissors, began doing nail art, glueing and painting nails in the colour which corresponded best to a pair of gloves. A couple of hours passed and we'd successfully made 5 pairs of nail gloves. "Thanks you guys." Alaska said, happily as we had a group hug in the middle of the living room. We left shortly after, she had persuaded us to travel home and stop worrying after a long day.

Willam's POV
Courtney gave me the silent treatment but Adore texted me telling me that Courtney was really hurt by my passiveness. I didn't know that we were being serious like that. Adore told me that Alaska wasn't well at all either and that I should be more sensitive towards others at this moment in time. I texted Courtney again.
I don't not love you. It's something we need to talk about x
Sent.