Disenchanted {Gerard Way}

Ivy

3am

I rush to the bathroom and empty my stomach, my throat burning and tears running down my red cheeks.

"Fuck." I spat trying to get the taste from my mouth. I stood up and began to brush my teeth before heading back into my room. 3 chippy packets, box of oreos, half a tub of ice cream and cake.

I begin to cry again. I hadn't done it for days and all of a sudden i do it again.

I had a binge eating disorder and have had it since dad died. That's when i also started to smoke, drink, cut, do extremely bad in school and getting diagnosed with several mental health disorders or whatever. Binge eating , depression, suicidal and alcoholism.

I sit on the bed, shoving the food packaging in the bin and pick up my phone. A text from Gerard hours ago.

You alright now? Sorry i had to leave you like that.

I break down again. Ever since he left I had been an utter mess. Cutting,smoking,binge eating, crying, vomiting and wanting to die. My hands stained red from the blood, my eyes red and sore from crying, my throat burning from throwing up, I felt numb almost.

I'm fine thanks.

I lie. Even if I told him everything wasn't okay and I wanted to die, he was probably asleep.

I wasn't going to school tomorrow, not in the state i was in. I missed dad. i missed frank. It would be his birthday in 2 weeks and i would do anything to spend it with my best friend.

That is if we are still friends anymore.

 I picked myself up off the bed and put on jeans and boots.

 I need some fresh air,I think to myself as I sneak out and begin to stroll the streets, cigarette between my lips and half a bottle of whiskey in hand. I get to the cemetery and manage to climb over the fence to get in and begin scrolling throughout the different gravestones.

The cemetery was one of my favorite places to come, It was peaceful first off, meaning I could be deep in thought and not be disturbed, Secondly, I enjoyed looking at all the old and pretty grave stones with the huge crosses and angels. Finally, it was because i could see Dad's grave. I always brought roses to his grave when i prepared to come. 

Tonight wasn't prepared, i just needed to get away. It was my safe enviroment.

As I came to the foot of his grave, I began to cry once again as I sat myself down beside it, lighting the candelabra beside it, which was my grandmothers.

"Here's to you dad." I whisper and began drinking the whiskey, letting the burning liquid rush down my throat.

"Ivy?" I hear a familiar voice say, and give me the biggest fright ever.

"Shit!" I say and turn around to see Gerard standing there in shock. "Fuck don't ever fucking do that again, especially not in the cemetery at night."

"What the hell are you doing here at 3am?"

"Did you follow me in here?"

"Yeah, well its not everyday you see someone brake into the cemetery in the middle of the night."

I sigh try hide my arms beside me. i had forgotten my bloody jacket.

"Are you okay, that's what i'm more concerned about."

"Yeah" I say, trying to hold back the tears in my eyes.

"No you're not okay, I'm not stupid." He says as he sits beside me. "Ivy, you must be freezing." 

"I'm fine Gerard honestly, I -"

"What the hell is that?" He cuts me off.

"What do you mean?"

"Don't play stupid with me, show me your wrists."

"No Gerar-"

"Don't  Gerard me, Now please just show me."

I let out a big sigh, as well as a few tears from my eyes and bring my arms out from behind me.

"Oh my god, Ivy why? And there's fresh ones."

"Because I just wish to go to sleep and never wake up again, I hate myself so much, and I've just become a wreck, I bet you hate me now, my sister ruins everything for me and you were making me feel so normal and -"

"I don't hate you ivy, your sister is a bitch honestly. You don't deserve to be treated that way, especially after all you have been through, I just wanted to beat the absolute shit out of your sister this afternoon, but i'm a wimp and didn't have the guts.

"You're not a wimp." I sigh and pass him a cigarette. " I thought she scared you away and so when you left I just broke down like I normally do, and shit happens lets just say and-" 

My eyes water and I began to cry. I was weak and broken and this probably made Gerard hate me even more.

"It's okay." He says and puts his arms around me

"I'm not okay."

"Just please please please don't ever hurt yourself again." he explains to me as I nod. " I know there are days where you want to die, I know there are days when slicing yourself to pieces feels like a way out, but it honestly isn't, trust me." He sighs.

"I just can't cope without dad." She begins to cry, "I miss him so fucking much and i hate myself so freaking much and I wish i could go back and stop him."

"I understand. I feel the same way with my nan." He says as he takes off his jacket.

"Here, put this on, you must be freezing-"

"It's okay Gerard, I'd rather catch a chill than you."

"You've been out in the cold for so much longer though, please??"

"Gerard. I would take up your offer and wear it but I can't. I'm no where near as small as you-"

"I'm not small okay? Neither of us are but that doesn't mean jack shit. I'm not that much smaller, probably only by a few pounds or so, you'll be fine, I don't care if you can't do it up, let alone get it to pull together at the front, But I do care about how fucking cold it is and i would hate for you to get sick ivy."

"alright." I sigh as he passes me his perfect genuine leather jacket, " Thanks."

"I still can't believe you hurt yourself like that. When did you start?"

"After dad died about a year and a half ago." I say and breathe out the smoke from my cigarette. "We didn't even have a funeral for the poor guy. He just got buried in the ground and forgotten. Only me and my dad's sister, brother and father come for that. After that, I went home and got absolutely wasted for the first time in my life. Then I started cutting, I became extremely depressed, I moved schools because the one I was at my mum couldn't bother spending money on the fees which were kinda pricey, so of course i end up in one of the most dogeyest schools in Jersey, Got bullied so fucking badly and became extremely suicidal, I began eating for comfort which led to a fucking binge eating disorder, where I've put on like 60 fucking pounds. i honestly just want to die Gerard-"

"Ivy, please don't talk like that. I don't want you to die and can help you through this I know what its like-"

"You don't know what its like, you're saying it to make me feel better."

"I'm bullshiting you am I?" He says and stands up. " If I was so called 'bullshiting you into thinking i understand then obviously this is just bullshit!" 

He begins undoing the buckle of the belt and unzipping his jeans.

"Gerard I don't want to see you dic- Oh my god."

And that's i knew, he cuts himself too.