Supernovas & Escapism

Chapter Twenty-One

      I can't look at Garth without feeing everything wash over me. He's just standing there, staring at me, and every time I catch him, it just feels like I'm sinking, further and further. There's part of me that wonders what he expects; I have an image to keep up, an image of someone who has all the pieces. As much as I would love to be his friend around everyone else, I just can't. Words would fly, and we would both be caught in the crosshairs.

     'Garth Vega is a sinkhole.'

     'Garth Vega is just sheer poison'

     'Garth Vega is nothing but a fa-'

     There was a difference between defending Garth in public, and actually associating myself with him. Besides, I had all the people I needed in the world right here.

     My eyes fleeted away from Garth, back to Sabrina who was talking in that incredibly peppy, roll-on sentence way that had made her cute too me all those months ago. It was a wonder how she never passed out through oxygen depletion.

     "So," she says, looking me over with those almond eyes and that infectious grin that I knew all too well. "I know you're still trying to deal with stuff, but Cheryl Jupp is throwing a party this Friday, and I was thinking..." She trailed off, but not before stepping in closer. The way she looked at me made me feel alive, like maybe there was hope for me after all.

     I wanted so badly to make this work out. Sabrina had been one of many girlfriends over the years, but she was the closest to truly understanding my inner workings. She knew how my heart beat. She knew how I thought. Every movement she made around me seemed so carefully calculated, as if she were playing a game of chess. I'd have been a fool to not want to make this work.

     Without thinking about it, I leaned forward, brushing her dark hair behind her ear before pecking her lips gently. Electricity coursed through me for a single moment, rejuvenating every cell in my body.

     "Anywhere you are, that's where I'll be," I said.

     She smiled her warm soft smile. I could tell she was thinking the same thing that everyone else had been asking this entire day.

     'Where has this Xavier been all this time.'

     I tried not to let that thought eat away at me. Inside I was still the same, but now putting on a mask felt more manageable. I had someone I could be sad around, which meant I could be everything else around everyone else.

     The sounds of faux gagging filled the air. Tony, being his usually pleasant self-seemed determined to ruin a perfectly good moment. Had I enough energy, patience, and actual fucks to give, I might have reached across the table and beat the shit out of him then and there. These moments were crucial though. I had to prove that I was fine, not only to my girlfriend, not just to my asshat friends, but to everyone. Caleb and Gabe laughed at either side of him, sounding like vultures, swooping on what was warm.