Supernovas & Escapism

Chapter Forty-Five

      It feels like such a weird afterthought to have Garth here today. The thought runs rampant as I watch him in the backyard, trawling around like a giant in front of Katy who's immaturity is getting the better of her.

     In a way, I want to keep him in my own private, self-contained universe. I want to be the person who is with him when he hits his highest highs and lowest lows. Greedily, I want to make sure that every moment is a moment he can spend with me if he should so want too.

     At the same time, I do want him around my family and friends; I want other people to see this magical, almost whimsical side to him that only I ever see. The boy who sings 'Led Zeppelin' on merry-go-rounds in the middle of the night. The boy who can always manage to convince himself of anything with this charming smile that I feel shouldn't exist. The guy who always manages to make people smile in the wake of a serious conversation with such a glib joke.

     Today is a day spent with family. But since Garth has no family he wants to spend this day with, he's been stuck here for the better half. Not that I can blame him. Despite being a teenager herself, Katy has barely broken out of her childish instincts and is just loving the crap out of having him chase her here, there, and everywhere. I can tell he's enjoying himself too, because never have I seen him smile so much when he didn't think I was looking. Glee is in his lungs as he laughs and sprawls out his best words, even when he thinks I can't quite hear him.

     Genuine happiness, I can only think to myself.

     "Nice kid," a gruff voice calls from behind me. Before I even have a chance to turn around and clock his presence, my dad already has this heavy hand clapped against my shoulder.

     Ever since we had come back down from my room, not a word had been expressed. Glory gave that all-knowing look whilst my dad averted my gaze for the majority of breakfast. You could almost feel the tension of the words that had been laid bare. And as much as I would have loved to have explained myself, I didn't need too. People were allowed to have their secrets, especially when it came to things like this—not that Garth could ever be considered a secret. Even without guyliner, his eccentricities rolled off him in waves and any idiot with a brain could have put two and two together.

     I sideway glance at him for a moment, before returning my eyes to the scene. Garth was still trying to pin Katy down to a corner so he could catch her, making these big sweeping goalpost movements with his arms and bouncing from foot to foot. Every time he inched closer, it looked like he neared the brink of a manic laughter.

     "Yeah," I mumble out a reply. "He is."

     My father leaned over the railing, looking out onto the lawn, taking a swig from the bottle in his hand. Unlike Glory or mom, he wasn't much of a drinker. I think he used it more of a crutch to initiate awkward conversations with us over the years.

     This evidenced when he practically downed his bottle to give Katy 'the talk,' a memory not helped by the fact that me and Glory, sensing what was going on, could only look on mortified. Our dad was great at a lot of things, but having meaningful conversations sober was not one of them.

     "Glory told you," I said, not really asking the question.

     Slowly, he took an inhale. Just as slowly, he breathed out into the near-evening air. "She did."

     My mouth filled with so much; words I wanted to say, thoughts I couldn't bite back, saliva that had pooled from the thought of discussing this. I swallowed down all of it. Hard.

     "Listen," he said slowly, sternly, and patiently. "If you're gay, that's all well and good by me. Is it the choice I wanted... no, not really. But if you want to be wi-"

     "I'm not gay," I shot back, not daring to peel my eyes from Garth as he tripped over himself whilst Katy made a break for it by faking left. "I'm somewhere in between. Call me bi I guess, doesn't really matter."

     His face was turned down into a frown, a crease forming between his brows. "You are not making this easy on me, are you?" he asked with faux-disdain in his voice.

     "And deny myself the liberty of seeing you blow a gasket?" I shot back with a wide grin. Even though his face was set into rich stone, I could see the words he wanted to say behind everything. "Would never dream of that."

     He let loose a wry chuckle, following my own gaze out to the garden. Garth blissfully unaware that this conversation was even happening in the first place. Not that he would have helped matters at all. If he were listening in, he would have added nothing but baited breaths and the occasional quip to keep himself at bay.

     "I mean what I said Xavier," he responds after a brief reprieve, turning to face me. "All any father wants is for their kid to be happy. They might not always approve of the choices, but it's up to us to let you make those decisions and find your own happiness."

     Find your own happiness.

     The words catch me off guard and roll through my mind over and over again, like a well-executed cheerleader routine. All of my happiness right now was with him, even if he didn't want to believe it. At times, I felt like there were too many complications in him to ever love someone like me, but I knew he did.

     Even without saying the words, I knew that he gave a shit.

     "Is this your way of saying you accept me," I bite back once more with that same wide smile.

     Whilst his face cracks, he can't look me in the eyes and it's then that I have my answer. He knows what it's like for someone to forbid a kind of love. Hell, he knows what the aftermath of that can do to a person.

     It's his own way of saying that he remembers her. That he wants to acknowledge that a part of me is her, and that he still cares deeply.

     In a single moment he sinks down, creasing his arms together over the wooden patio. The blacks of his eyes have become so prominent that he almost looks demonic. Sharp lines force there way onto his face as he opens his mouth, closes it, opens it again, and then forces is closed. He repeats this process a few times, as if trying to expel the words into the void in a hope that they will come out right.

     And I thank him for trying. For not being the guy who just bursts the door open with every single thought that lurks inside his head.

     "You're going to have to be patient with me on this kid." The words sound strained as he continues to watch all that unfolds in front of him. Katy has somehow found a water gun and Garth leaps and glides like he's the wicked witch of the west. "I get that he's important to you, and I get that you're important to him, but this is gonna take me some time to understand."

     Once more he claps my shoulder before leaning in tightly. "I'm just glad that you've found someone that can keep you out of the dark places."

     If only he knew the dark places we had been too.