Supernovas & Escapism

Chapter Forty-Eight

      Unwound. My heart, my soul, my body, all of it is unwound in that moment and I can't help but feel so special in this moment. This was the first time I've ever done something like this, and for once I didn't feel that hot shame for anything that I might have been. The conviction that ran solely through my mind in this moment was that I was a human being, with human thoughts, and a human understanding for things.

     The principal point of clarity runs through my head as my chest heaves for air, sweat dripping from my head. Everything hurts, but it's a good kind of hurt really. It's an understanding that you've just let go of all the fears that separated you and the person you truly cared about.

     Each breath I took seemed weighted, almost like I was holding it in for far too long. The cold of the night mixed with the perspiration on my everything to make me feel a clammy uncomfortableness. The stars hung themselves so brightly in the sky as if they had nothing better to do than too look down on two boys sharing an intimate moment between themselves. How voyeuristic were the stars? To look down on everything that man had ever done.

     Xavier, who was still reeling also, settled down next to me on the cold steel. His eyes caught my own, and then followed them skyward. Our ragged breaths cut through every other creaking sound that the park had to make.

     A blissful smile had crossed my face as I turned to meet him.

     "I'm not entirely sure where you came from, but thank you." These were the words I had chosen after moments of careful deliberation. They felt so exact and straight to the point. There were times where I wondered if he was even aware of how much he had changed my life just by being a part of it. "Before you I felt like I was a nothing, and now I feel like I can be a something to somebody."

     The hazel of his eyes grows a bit brighter as he leans in. Xavier outstretches his hand and begins to run it through my mess of curly hair—the only inherited trait from my father that I really liked. We spin slightly as he inches forward, his momentum propelling the platform.

     "You were never a nothing," he said slowly. "You were just idiotic enough to believe that you were a nothing."

     I've come to know him more over these months that we've shared. His words might sound like they're coming from a harsh place, but instead they're only coming from a place with the best of intentions. There's this great grin that envelops all his features, and in the light of the moon it almost makes him look ethereal. In a way, I guess that's exactly what he is.

     An ethereal angel trying to take me away from every bad thought I've had and every hardship that I've had to endure.

     Suddenly, it doesn't really matter what people think. It matters what he thinks of me. And the way he just has his eyes on me, and from what had just happened moments prior, I can tell he thinks of me fondly.

     Softly, he leans over and kisses the crown of my head, holding me there for a few moments longer. Our hearts beat together, intertwined in the same rhythm. I know it's a stupid thing to say, but it makes me feel like I'm connected to him. The lives we had lived were just leading into this moment—the fabric of fate now ending up as a tangled mess from our burst of affection. Every breath in, every breath out, it all seems to match up. Instinctively, I find myself leaning in against him, just wanting to hear his heart beat in a Morse code. I want it to say 'I love Garth Vega.'

     But that's not what I hear, mostly because if I did hear that then Xavier would most likely be dead.

     "Say it again," I say, everything that I am enveloped into his warm embrace.

     For a moment there is nothing but silence. But as he shifts, I can tell he knows what I mean. "I love you." The words are not bitter. They are not said in fair. He does not say them because he feels like he has too. Xavier says these words because you can tell he believes them enough. The fact that I've never heard it been said so sincerely leaves me reeling for a moment.

     I am numbed on his chest, drawing lines with my finger.

     If he wants to hear me say it, he hasn't said so. Maybe he knows without me ever having to say the words. Maybe he understands why it's so hard for those three words to occupy my throat.

     Still, it's not fair to leave him like this.

     "Xavier, I want you to know that... what I mean to say is... sometimes words escape me and I know what I want to say but I can't." The confession leaves me bare. It's stripped away against the pride I've built around myself.

     But instead of judging me, he leans in a bit closer.

     "You don't have to say it you idiot." It comes out in a soft chuckle. "At least, not right now."

     And despite the words caught in me, I knew them clearly. I love Xavier Sutton

----------

a/n: so after the excitement of last chapter i thought i'd slow it down a bit since we're building to the ending of this story (only two more chapters, can you believe it?).

so as we're coming to the end of this book, i thought i'd leak something from the sequel book which takes place four years after this story, putting both of our boys at the ripe old age of 22. it might just be a playlist but it's something.

i'll put it in the external link, and i'll also leak something else each day till this book ends. who knows, i might be not a lazy ass and decide to cast.

but yeah, for a sneak peak of the sequel, check out greyhound days.