Supernovas & Escapism

Chapter Thirty Six

      My head is a warzone right now. Full of landmines of existential and harrowing thoughts. One wrong foot in front of the other could trigger some cataclysmic domino effect. Treading here was dangerous at the moment. Everything was burning, heated with this passionate cleansing fire. I'm not sure if I wanted to address it or not. Regardless of what anyone says I want to be fine, but it's hard to be fine when you haven't felt that way in a long time.

     Xavier does not need to get caught in the crossfire. There's a storm in me, and he's sailing out in a dinghy. Sooner or later he's going t get pulled under, and I don't want that right now.    

     Not whilst he's beginning to trust me. Not whilst he's so sure of himself and who he wants to be.

     It would feel cruel to both of us to just stop. This is what I wanted. I wanted Xavier to be with me so intimately, but I didn't need the nagging feeling that he was only here because he was lonely.

     The way his lips had crashed against mines was reminiscent of why I was cautious. There was uncertainty behind the way he moved, as if this was something that was completely alien to him. But of course, it would be. To my knowledge, it wasn't like he went around kissing a lot of boys. They were warm, almost like they wanted to defy the atmosphere. There was a short moment where I did nothing back.

     There's this disbelief in my head. It feels so much like a white noise that I'm forced to listen to on repeat. This is real. I am touching Xavier Sutton, feeling his energy flow through me. But there's something about it that just feels so false, so insincere.

     Maybe I'm overthinking things.

     Pulling back for a second, I steady myself. My thoughts, my feelings, and my soul were intertwined together in this unnecessary convoluted mess. Hazel eyes looked back at me. They were full of so much understanding and I only wished I had the same level of insight right now.

     The scarlet heat rushes to my cheeks before I even have a chance to stop it. Instead, I force myself to look back up in an attempt to hide my own vulnerability from him for the time being.

     All it did though was make me feel like a hypocrite. Not two minutes ago had I been talking about the importance of transparency, and now here I was hiding something from him. The inner workings of my mind have always felt like an MC Escher painting; all distorted and based around someone else's version of reality.

     It wasn't like I didn't want to tell him all the thoughts in my head.

     For the longest time, I wanted to tell him how I was feeling. Ever since the day where we first sat down on this same old rusted thing, I've had my mind overwhelmed with so much. Being here with him right now makes everything a little more complicated. I'm so used to living in black and white; some things are good, and some things are bad. The grey area is where things start to tumble out of control for me.

     But it doesn't feel like it's happening in a bad way. For once it actually feels like there's some comfort in the complicated.

     "Penny for your thoughts?" Xavier asked, his tone as snarky as ever. He could've been angry, but for whatever reason he chose not to be. To say that I appreciated it would have been an understatement.

     A sigh left me loosely. The last thing I needed was to pile this on him. Over the space of a day, so much had happened to him. I didn't dare to try and make him feel like I was having the worse day. Overall my day had been going good; I'd gotten to know Xavier's family a little better, found out that Xavier was at least compatible with me, and found that he at least shared some of my feelings.

     Which just made it even more confusing as to why there was this cyclone of misery whisking through me. It threatened to upheave every good thing.

     Truthfully, I feared this being a thing. It might have seemed like I had nothing to lose, but right now everything was mines to forfeit. A good stable friendship. Respect of my peers. And that's not even taking into consideration what would happen if my father ever found out.

     The man went crazy at the slightest inconvenience. Somehow the thought of me being gay might have been more than a slight inconvenience to him.

     "Stars are beautiful tonight," I replied.

     Even without looking I could tell he was frowning. It just made me smile a little more. Something about his own displeasure made me want to smile to the ends of the earth.

     "You're ignoring the question," he spoke his voice low and gruff.

     "Man, if we look long enough we could possibly make out some constellations," I continued. "Maybe we could make up some of our own." There was a mad grin on my face, one that begged him, pleaded with him.

     For a few moments more, he stared at me before finally retreating and turning on his back. "Cockblocked by the stars," he said with a dry chuckle in his tone. "Now there's a new one."

     "Excuse me." Stretching out my hand, I slapped his chest. "What makes you think I would have put out."

     Another dry chuckle. Soon his hands were behind his head. "Isn't that the thing with Catholics? All sexually repressed and whatnot." There's a joking tone to his voice, and it's enough to make me lightly slap him on the chest again. The moment I do, he bursts into more laughter, like he's just told the funniest joke in the world. "You know I kid."

     And it strikes me. It strikes me because I've never heard this. It's a laugh that feels so rough and unrefined, as if it's trying to find itself. At the same time, there's a buoyancy to it, making me think if I don't appreciate this moment, he'll float away from me. The only thing that holds it down is this pain that kicks in when all the laughter dissipates.

     I turn to stare at him for a moment.

     There's a smile that tugs on the corners of his mouth as he wistfully stares up at the sky. Do I dare take him away from this? Can I bring myself to ask him about painful memories and not share any in return?

     I decide that I can't.

     Sometimes it's best to leave yourself with the happy memories, even if they are fleeting. There's that striking one of Santa Monica that rings through my mind for just a few moments. Mostly I want to think that it only comes to me now because I need to remember something worthwhile.

     But I know why it's here. There's this notion passing through my head that one day I can return. One day I'll be at peace in a place where my memories weren't so bogged down with a much wretchedness.

     Softly I close my eyes, and let that memory wash over me. Salty seaside air. My mother bathed in an angelic light. The contrast of the cold, cold water against the burning sands. It's more than enough for me to get lost in. I start at the shallow end, and make my way in deeper, letting the thought consume me.

     I'm at peace. It lasts only a moment, but it's so nice to know that it exists somewhere in me.

     One question is all it takes for me to bring my head above the surface.

     "Where do you go," Xavier asks. My eyes snap open, and when they do Xavier is now seated upright, back turned away from me. I arch my head back, just to take more of his physical presence in. Slowly, he turns his head, but doesn't face me directly. "You go away sometimes. Sometimes for minutes, sometimes for hours, sometimes for days, and sometimes for weeks."

     It's not anger that fills his voice. His voice is too soft and irrational for that.

     "Here," I say. "I'm always here."

     It takes a moment, but when the words set in, he's now turned fully towards me. He is a portrait of upset. "I don't mean physically Garth," he says. "I mean, like sometimes you zone out, like you'd rather be somewhere else."

     I respond with an annoyed look in kind.

     "Trust me when I say Xavier," I respond whilst my hands grasp the fabric of his jacket in an attempt to pull him back down. "There is no place I'd rather be right now."