I Wrote This For You.

" I love you . . ."

We fell for each other in the end of 2015 but on May 5th of 2016, we fell even more in love then we already were. Time was wrapped around our finger as we spent every heart-wrenching moment together. You were a trouble maker and that's why I fell so hard. I fell for how much I loved the way I got an adrenaline rush as we did stupid, illegal things. I fell for you ... harder than you could imagine. I loved you from the day I met you at school and I will love you until the day I cannot fucking breathe anymore. I promise.

My heart is shattered completely. Everyone loved us together and we were happy, of course with the exception of acceptable fights. One fight in particular stuck out the most. We had been dating for 2 weeks and I told you I couldn't take life anymore. You hugged me without letting go and whispered something so beautiful in my ears. The words "I love you..." slipped out and captivated my heart in a way no other has. Looking into your brown eyes, I realized brown is my new favorite color, it never looked so good in the eyes of another person. At the time, I couldn't say I love you because if I did, I would've been lying. But if you were to ask me now, it would be a total different reaction.

"I have a deep regard for you as well, Andrew." I knew you were lying from the start. How can you "love" someone within two weeks of being together? You knew about me; what I let you know that is. Looking at my scarred wrists, you knew I had been fighting a battle with much more than other people but rather within myself. You knew of my depression when you signed up, yet you let the negative words slip from your mouth as you seen the mess I already was and what I was yet to become.

"Don't mock pain you have yet to endure," you stated as you posted about me "supposedly cheating." Yet you had no idea about what really happen. While hanging with friends, I was drinking. Your name was enough for me to drink my own away. I couldn't take it, I found love in the bottom of a bottle rather than in people. After drinking a whole bottle of UV BLUE and cans of FOUR LOKOS, I became drunk. I could not remember my own name, but the alcohol made me think about you so much more than when I was sober. As I felt unable to move, more vulnerable if you will, your friend approached me. He began to take my clothes off while I was drunk to the point I could hardly move, even speak. I tried. I tried to say "no" and "stop," but he insisted. I was then labeled a victim of rape. No amount of water could cleanse me from how dirty I felt, physically and emotionally. You told me " I will always be here for you," but where were you when your friend continued to use me to his advantage? Where were you when I needed you? He told me no one would believe me. He was right. Who would believe a fifteen year old nobody over a sixteen year old labeled as popular? My question is where are you now?

On December 19th of 2016, you showed up to my house, knowing I stayed home sick. You showed up begging me to forgive you. You begged and pleaded. You proceeded to tell me you loved me and how you wanted me. Some things you forgot to mention consisted of you having sex with the same girl you cheated on me with and you were now with another girl, Payton. You told me you would leave her for me if I took you back. The truth is, we haven't talked for two months and counting and you made no effort, you wanted to be friends. However, you showed me where I stood in your life. I waited two months for you, and within a week, you were searching for someone else. I laid on my bed and you sat above me, looking down. You kissed me. Again. And again. You said you wanted to stay friends 
and I laughed through the cracks in my teeth 
because here's the thing:
we were never friends.
 We were in love the second we met, fucking on your bestfriends floor the first night you saw me.
 We were never friends; I was the ocean and you were the moon, pulling at me until I drowned in myself and loved you forever. 
We were never friends, we were husband and wife married thousands of years before, in another life, in harder times, we died in each others arms. Like lovers, not like friends. 
We were never friends. I couldn't get your kiss out of my fucking head.
 We were never friends, we saw stars in each other's eyes and lit match after match to relight them when they burned out. I couldn't let you go.
 We were never friends, you never called me to "hang out" you showed up at my door and underneath my window to hold me in your arms until I melted.
 We were never friends, 
friends don't make you fall in love
 and then leave because they like the sound of your begging, tear cracked voice.
 Friends don't kiss you over and over again until you can't go a day without it and then cut you off and smile at you anyway.
 Friends don't break you just because their father left when they were little and it's all they know.
 Friends don't want you dead, and you knew this would kill me.