I Wrote This For You.

"Almost..."

The truth is, you're not sorry about everything you did. Believe me when I say there was a lot you could be sorry about. But either way, I always say I'm fine. Whether I am or not is the true question. I don't understand my depression. I can be so happy at one moment and if something happens, my world turns to shit. I'm not used to not feeling broken. I'm not used to feeling like I'm not drowning. Lies cut the heart, but secrets scar the soul. 

The saddest word in the whole wide world is the word almost.

You were almost in love. 

I was almost good enough for you.

You almost stopped me.

I almost waited.

We almost  lived.

We almost made it.

But almost is never enough. I was never enough. I wasn't enough of a reason to stay. We weren't worth fighting for anymore. Yet no matter what, you were my oxygen. Every time I looked at you, I could breathe again as if life was truly worth living. I didn't think there was a word for what I felt towards you. But there is. Love. I was in love with you. If you're looking for a word that means you love someone beyond words and wanting nothing but love and happiness for them, even if it destroys you in the process, then it's love. If you're looking for a feeling that you can't shake, no matter how hard you try, and if you're looking for something that doesn't make sense in every way, then it's love. You can't run or hide from it. You can't drink it away or sleep it away, it's just there. When you love someone you don't ever stop. If you stopped then that's not love. Love is the best thing we as humans do and without it... without it we may as well just end humanity there because love is the best and closest thing we have to feeling totally and completely happy and in love. And being in love with you was the best thing I ever did. It was the best feeling I ever felt. But now, I hope you fall in love with someone who always texts backand never lets you fall asleep thinking you're unwanted. 
I hope you fall in love with someone who holds your hand during the scary parts of movies. Or even burns cookies with you. 
I hope you fall in love with someone who sees galaxies in your eyes and hears music in your heartbeats. 
I hope you fall in love with someone who tickles you and makes you smile on hard days and on easy ones. 
But beyond all that, I hope you fall in love with someone who will never leave you behind and who will never take you for granted, someone who will stand by you when you're right and stand by you when you're wrong, 
someone who has seen you at your worst and has loved you still. 
I hope you fall in love with someone who kisses you in the rain and hugs you in the cold and wouldn't have you any other way.

 It hurts. You always said you liked how my hair looked like I'd just woken up, and you liked my messy, open-mouthed kisses because I could never get enough of you. I've always tried to be a neat person and put everything perfectly into place but there are some things you just can't. And I'm sorry my head was a little too messy to find where we were supposed to go. I swear I would have if you would have been patient. There's room now but you don't like girls with messy hair and messy hearts anymore. I'm sorry I couldn't be better for you at the time.

But in the process of you moving on, you're losing me. You're losing my smile, my laughter, my trust, my touch.You'll miss the way I always waited for you to come back to me, the sparkle in my eyes, the way I made you feel every time I smiled at you, the long nights of endless talking, the bickering, the fights, the way you felt comfortable, the way I felt like home, my stubbornness and how I refused to change my mind once it was made up; you'll miss how much I cared for you, how I knew you better than anyone, how I was always there when you turned around, how I always knew what to say to make you feel better, how I would nag at you because of your stubbornness, how I always understood you and everything you did, how I accepted you without regrets, how I always supported you in everything you did. You'll miss my talk the most, the sound of my voice and how it always seemed to soothe you. You'll miss my face, and how by just looking at me you knew that you could trust me and tell me anything and everything. You'll miss how I was always willing to listen, always sticking with you 'til the end. You'll miss how I  balanced you. You'll miss how I knew everything about you, how I knew just what to do to make it all better. You'll miss the way my smile took your breath away, and how you could easily look into my eyes and feel your storm settle down.

The parts of me you've never seen, the parts of my mind you've never explored, my face when I wake up in the morning, or when I can't sleep at night; how I walk down the street, how I shiver and hug myself when I am cold, the way I just go about my day.. you won't see, you won't get to experience that with me. There are so many things you won't get to experience with me.

You'll miss me, I promise.