I Wrote This For You.

"Zero..."

Our love is a real tragedy, isn't it?

There's no start and no end,

all we do is go in circles.

We're almost and we're maybe and we're nearly over and we have only begun,

with no end in sight.

We're stuck in the middle

and have nowhere left to run.

We're uncertain and loose ends,

we're heartbreak and the best that has ever happened,

you to me and me to you.

We were broken but we fixed each other,

yet we came apart too often to be whole.

We are so scared of getting hurt,

we don't see that being together is the only thing that cuts us open.

Yet we can't resist,

can't let go

and don't listen.

We turn a blind eye to all that we are

and all that we'll never be.

I deleted your number so that I wouldn't
be able to call you on a day like this.
Where I can hardly breathe without you.
I can hardly breathe at the thought 
that you're not here, and it's been one of those days where you're the only one I know who can make it better. I can't stop crying and I'm so scared.
Cause what if you're the only one who's ever gonna love me,
 or worse, what if you're the only one I'm ever gonna be able to love like I loved you.
The naive kind of love.
I can't believe I was so lucky to love you,
kind of love.
Leaving you was the hardest thing I've ever had to do, kind of love. I'm crying on the train home, with tears smearing my lips.
With my heart bleeding so hard I feel like it could pour out onto the train tracks. But you're gone.
You're gone.
I know that you're gone. The hardest thing about losing you is that it didn't just happen once. I lose you every single day that we don't speak. When I wake up in the morning and reach for my phone and hope to see a message that isn't there, and when I go to sleep at night after I realize that the only person I want to moan to about how crap my day was, isn't there. And I lose you in all of the moments in between, in all the hours of silence that go by where I do nothing but think of you, go to call you, and then I don't. I lose you when I watch certain films, listen to certain songs, and go to certain places that are all tainted with certain parts of you and how you make me feel. And I used to think I could only miss you when I was alone, but that's not true. I miss you when I'm around everyone else, too. Because they are not you. But you're always there... somewhere. I can't not think about you. It's only when I'm asleep that I get a break from it. From thinking and wanting and missing. But, then I wake up the following day, roll over, check my phone, see that you didn't call and I just know I'm going to feel it all over again.

do you remember that i'm scared of thunder?
because i remember that you love the rain. and i know why you're scared of your mother, 
i picked up your pieces when she screamed.
 do you remember how you kissed her when i needed you? 
or how i stopped washing my hair and started drinking more?
 we used to say we'll turn to dust together 
but the only dust here is from when you left. I still hate the rain.

When you die, apparently you have seven minutes of brain activity left. Everybody sees something different. Some see their life quickly rush before their eyes, or so I've been told. And I always wonder what I would see. I strongly believe most of those minutes would be you and your giant smile, your plain white tees, and to hear your laugh ring and ring forever.

Now, I have 6 minutes left.

I think I'll see you, too. I'll see your lazy smile and warm arms. I'll see everything about you, like you were almost real. But, like last time, you were just a dream.

Now, I have 5 minutes left.

I saw a shocking sight. I saw an endless lake and many little heads floating inside of it. I remember each and every face that swam those waters. I remember each voice and each smile. I saw the sun and land meet, to form something so beautiful and unforgettable.

Now, I only have 4 minutes left.

This brought pain to me. I heard you. I heard you, for the last time, say goodbye, a sweet goodnight, and the ringing silence that followed. No answer escaped my lips. I left and I hate myself now.

3 minutes.

I saw a beautiful girl. Her hair was messily tied up in a bun. Her face lacked everything, only her true self showed. Her baggy clothes and small hugs drove me crazy. I won't forget this look.

2 minutes.

I saw myself, as a very young child. I walked lightly around outside and enjoyed every little thing, down to each blade of grass. I was so hopeful and happy.

1 minute left.

This last minute broke me. I saw me crying, wishing to be happy. I saw all the days I didn't go outside because I didn't fit in any clothes or I didn't have friends. I saw myself cry and wish I was happy.

30 seconds.

I became happy.

15 seconds.

I kissed someone. And then hugged someone.

10 seconds.

I flashed someone a smile.

5 seconds.

I saw you by my casket.

Zero.