I Wrote This For You.

"This isn't working... is it?"

From, To

Two months into our relationship you once asked me how much I loved you and I just said "From here". You didn't get it and you got mad and thought I was playing around. Breaking up after almost two years together, I sent you a message a few months later saying "To here".  You still didn't get it.

When people ask you about me, I want you to tell them, "She was the only girl who would love me that much, yet I broke her."  I loved you more than anyone could think of loving another person. I loved you more than I could ever love myself & that's where I went wrong. My heart was in a situation where it would rather love than be loved. I loved you so much and i couldn't save you. do you know what that's like, when your hands aren't stable enough to hold something so important? to watch your own reflection drop everything precious in this world into the fire? do you know what it's like to burn alongside, whispering, please, i tried, i swear to god that i tried?

My heart broke when you told me you didn't love me anymore. I had never felt so down in my life but you showed me that everything was a lie. I was your favorite game you loved to play. You gave up on an opportunity to be in love until we die. You gave up on us. There's pieces of me you never gave back. There are nights that I can't even think about without flinching. There are mornings I have to draw over in black marker. What if nobody ever looks at me like you did? What if I never find those secrets again? What if I am never whole again? I destroyed my body for a piece of mind I never got.

Relationships are like houses and you move into a house and you're so comfortable in it and you know where everything goes and everything about it like this specific ceiling tile always leaks and this part of the stove never lights and then one day you move out of your house and some new person moves in and figures out about the leak and the stove and keeps the cups in a different cabinet and you never go inside that house again and if you do everything is rearranged and none of the furniture is yours.

You wanted someone to fall in love with you, but I already have. Anyone is lying if they say that you and I are over. There's no way because of the way that you still talk to me, but it's never going to happen again. This last time was the best ever. There was only love and appreciation, not that the others didn't have it, but this time was different, but high school and going to different schools doesn't allow us to happen so I wish you the best in life and that the next girl you are with loves you and makes you better and helps you on your bad days and loves you with more on days that you needs it and doesn't take you for granted. I was once that girl. I'm going to miss you.
I'm going to miss you, and it's going to be as easy as breathing.
I know it'll be there like background noise. 
Like sirens in the city. It'll go like this: 
I'll wake up, and I'll open my eyes, 
and I'll think: I miss you, I miss you, 
I miss you. 
And if it's hard to breathe for a couple seconds, then I'll get a fucking inhaler. 
I'll eat breakfast and work on trying to forget your favorite cereal.
I'll go to work and ignore the way the guy
on the subway smells just like you,
or the girl on the street that smokes the same brand of cigarettes as you.
As if to fucking spite me.
I'll drink coffee and feel my hands shake, 
so that I know they're shaking from the caffeine, too.
I'll eat dinner in front of my TV at night
and watch the shows that you hate.
Or on my worst days,
I'll watch your favorite movie in the dark. 
And then I'll crawl into the bed without you.
And I'll think: I miss you, I miss you, 
I miss you.

I knew it hurt him and he knew it hurt me and neither of us could do a thing about it. We sat on the bathroom floor trying to fix each other, all the while knowing there was no way we could. We lay with our legs entwined until finally he said, "I love you, right? God knows I fucking love you. But this isn't working, is it? We're breaking each other's heart and it feels like we're running on borrowed time." And I said nothing because he was right and I hated it. I lay there silently, hating the way everything contradicted itself. I lay there and hated it all.

Your words went deep down my throat, and so did the pills when I tried to figure out how I was to survive without you.