I Wrote This For You.

"This is goodbye..."

Dear stranger,

You weren't always a stranger. As a matter of fact, you were my best friend. It's crazy how close you can be with another human being. To form an unbreakable bond with someone is unlike any earthly feeling. But to lose that bond, that you once thought was unbreakable, is also unlike any earthly feeling. Have you ever been in love? I have. I tend to find myself infatuated with things and/or people that hurt me. Whether it be emotionally, mentally, physically, etc... the relationship with a boy, who, to this very day, is the reason I flinch when a hand nears my face. The cloudy chemicals escaping my body, with them, they bring a false sense of well-being and in return, take your friends, family, job, money, appearance, mentality, your life. I could go on. It's not my fault that you left me alone, I didn't make you turn away, I enabled it, but you didn't have a gun to your head, now, did you? I know why you left me, but I'm clueless as to how you could. You don't want to watch me kill myelf, or, so you say. Wouldn't I still be killing myself? You turn your back, just so you don't have to watch it, but I'd still be killing myself, regardless. To me, a person who would give the last slice of bread to a stranger, finds that selfish. But maybe I'm the selfish one. Because, I'd rather have hate over love, unhappiness over happiness, war over peace, foe over friend, because, I'd rather have meth over you. 

Dear everyone,

I want him so badly. All of him. His past and his future. It was supposed to be our future. I want him to be mine, forever. But my parents, teachers, friends, family, they make it so difficult.  I'm mature for my age, very, and I want to date for marriage. He says he does but he is younger and he may grow up and change his mind. I know that I never will. We broke up yesterday morning. It wasn't a horrible break up, not one of anger and with the intention of never see in each other again. I did it because I want him to be my always and in order for that to happen I want to build a sturdy foundation and friendship and resume our relationship when we are older and are able to be a couple. I felt like I was messing with his emotions everyday by being in a relationship with him but not being able to be the girlfriend he deserves. He says he agrees with me and wants to do it too, but he's hurt. I've broken up with him before because of my dad beating me down about him yet he always took me back. I can see that I've broken him. I can see it. And it kills me. It kills me that I've killed the one I love out of love. No one understands my reasoning except me and it's breaking me seeing him hurt and I can't help him because I'm the reason he's like this. I can't stand the thought of him with anyone else. He's mine. And I want to know that he will be mine forever but I don't know that and I hate not knowing. I don't deserve him. He deserves better than me. He's too wonderful for this world. He's not perfect. But god dammit I need him. He is amazing and I put him through hell and back. He wanted to be forever. I did too. He told me he's not like everyone's that left me before. He knows I'm scared that he will leave, but he's promised he won't hurt me in anyway. He's my best friends and I'm so happy I get to call him mine. I love him more than words can describe, there are no words, and there wouldn't be enough. I love him more than anyone and I tell him that so much because I've been mean to him before we started dating. But he's only such a good guy and I don't want to be with anyone else but him.

TO anyone (about my bff),

Oh my she is so beautiful. you know those cheesy quotes where it's like "her eyes were the color of an ocean and I fell in love" or some clichè shit like that?? that's her eyes. but so much more. I swear I see the galaxy in them every time her eye changes colors. they get brighter in the sun. she has freckles all over her face and I swear to god it's the cutest fucking thing ever. she has braces and they're so cute when she laughs oh and when she laughs I swear I stop breathing for a few seconds. the only thing better than her laugh is her voice when she's sick. because her voice cracks like 4 times each sentence and it's the cutest thing EVER and I tease her about it and then she giggles and oh my god I fall in love more and more. she's so sweet. the most nicest person I've ever met. I fucked her over like 3 times and that's shitty of me but the good part?? she forgave me. she understands me. and now she's mine. all mines. and I'm doing everything I can every day to give the best to her because she deserves nothing but good in life. I love her. I love the way she yells at me in a joking way when I haven't heard of a show she's obsessed with. I love hearing her talking about basketball or her dog or a funny video she saw on YouTube because she's so happy and I want nothing than to see her happy. I'm the one she comes to when she's angry, happy, sad, etc. And that's all I've wanted. I love her so much. she's my best friend. If I lost her, id have lost myself.

In my last dream, We sat by the ocean and i pretended i wasn't cold and you told me i wouldn't be happy with him. i shrugged and didn't take the cigarette out of your hand because you didn't take him out of my arms. we watched waves for a really long time until i had forgotten what we were talking about. then you said: he'll never write you poetry, you know that, right? and i sighed and leaned back and said: who cares? the sky was getting darker. sometimes i think the ocean is always dancing so the clouds always have something to watch. they put on a show for each other. it's quiet now. i start saying: let's just get drunk but you're looking at me the way that means you're trying to say something with your whole body but no word seems big enough to fit your meaning. you're looking at me in the way that makes this moment somehow shut my mouth up. like we're both pinned butterfly-style to what you're about to say. like even you don't like it. "you care," you say, "you care about poetry. because things matter to you. because no matter how much you pretend you're a badass or you don't feel things or that you take everything as a joke i know for a fact you're a romantic at heart, that you love laughing, that you're soft and good to your core. the problem is you don't like letting people into that core because it means they can hurt you. because once they're inside, you would let them ruin you. you're loyal and gentle and allow people to use you." you took a deep breath and said: he got in. that's the problem. i know already that you'll never leave him. you can't. once you love someone you can't let go. so you're pretending like it's not killing you that he's not what you need, but you'd never ask him. you never ask anyone for anything and it's fucking terrifying.i look at you and for a second my ground shifts and i think about it, but then i let out a bark of laughter. oh my god, i say, you're probably right.

i can't stop laughing.

you sigh and stand up. "yeah," you say, "let's just get drunk."

Dear "you,"

You said you missed me, too. But what can I say to that? You promised, didn't you? You said I don't annoy you. Really? I just feel like I do. Is there a reason you're not talking to me then? Is it because you don't want to be in love with me? Is it because you already aren't? I'm in love with you. I don't know what to do. Do I leave it alone? Do I wait for when we're together, wait to see what happens then? I just can't fathom what the point of me trying is if you won't try with me. Are you trying? I can't tell. Do you love me? I love you. I've loved you for a long time now. It's probably pretty obvious, but maybe it isn't. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. These short bursts of emotion are what keep me staring at my ceiling at night. Thinking, thinking, wishing, thinking, imagining what it would be like if you were lying next to me, staring at the ceiling, too. And what would you be thinking? Would you be wondering what the hell you've gotten yourself into? Would you be wondering why you're even there? I don't want you to love me if you don't. I don't want you to try if you can't. Do you see? I don't want you to pretend. Is this what no man's land feels like? If ambivalence is an emotion, I'm all tangled up in it. It wrapped its foggy arms around me and squeezed all the air out of my lungs and oh my god I don't know what to do. I don't know what to think. I don't know. I guess I'm just scared. Have you ever been so scared of loving someone who doesn't love you back? Someone who at one point did, but no longer does? Have you ever been afraid it's too late? Anyways, this is goodbye.

I'm sorry.

I love you.