I Wrote This For You.

" You broke my heart ..."

My biggest fear wasn't that you'd lie to me one day, or that you would cheat on me. My biggest fear was that you would wake up before me one Tuesday morning and instead of leaning in and kissing me on the cheek, you would look at my sleeping body and notice all of my flaws. My crooked nose, my chapped lips, and the stretch marks spread along my stomach and thighs like a road map. You would  think about my ransoms spouts of jealousy and the fact I talk too much. You would remember how annoying it is that no matter what, I'm always right and just how selfish I can be sometimes. You would walk into the kitchen, brew a cup of black coffee, stare at the pale morning rays of sunlight entering the window frame, and come to the conclusion that for no particular reason at all, you don't love me anymore. 

The worst part is you could break my heart into a million tiny pieces, and I'd still pick them up and put them back in your hands. But maybe sometimes, that's how it should end. 

Maybe that's just how it ends. You don't forget the pain that one person caused you, or the times you spent crying on the bathroom floor because you weren't good enough for him. And you cannot forget how he chose the sweetest of words to get you and the most poisonous of actions to break you, and that's okay. Because while we are left with these painful memories, we can remember that what they don't possess is the power to destroy you. And that is the most beautifully tragic memory he could leave me with.

With Andrew, I told him he knew where to find me if he ever chose to change his mind.

But I went two months without hearing a single word from him, and all of the sudden he pops up at my doorstep. The worst feeling in the world was knowing I did the best I could and it still wasn't enough to please him ... but then again, sometimes I look at him and remember that he used to be mine, I end up remembering all of the memories we shared together and all of the times we laughed. I remember when he help me and we wouldn't speak but rather look into eachother's eyes. I remember the way he would make me smile even if I was feeling like shit, and I came to realize that he meant the world to me, and all I wanted was to me the world to him again. Part of me wishes I could delete him from my last but the other part of me doesn't ever want to let go. 

Man, I love him.