What Dreams Are Made Of (Camren)

Chapter 16. Right and wrong

What the fuck did I just do, my mind was swarming with thoughts of how I arguably made the worst decision in my life. My back was leaning against the outside of the apartment door where the cold provided a distraction from the conflicting feelings in my heart and mind. How could both these things be a part of me, yet contradict each other. What was the right thing to do?

Back when I took Religious Studies as an A level option in high school which probably wasn't that long ago, we were taught about the conscience. There were a lot of theories regarding it; that the conscience was God-given, or that our upbringing is what brought out the morals in us. That may have been true in a sense but I thought my views were a lot different to my parents. I thought they hadn't affected the way I think now but boy was I wrong.

If they didn't affect me then why did I just walk out on the only good thing that ever happened to me? The only person that showed me that I was important to her. That saw me through my worst and was still there after all of it. If they didn't affect me then why the fuck was I walking away from love? For this so-called God who created us. I didn't choose to like my best friend but God knew exactly what he was doing when he made me who I was.

They got to me. Religion got to me. It told me this was wrong and that was wrong and that these laws of God must be followed. They had to be followed or we would be sent to eternal damnation. For being a sinner that was the consequence. That's what my Mum called me. I was a fucking sinner and she was ashamed to have me. She would question God of why he cursed her with me and although I never really paid any attention to same-sex relationships my parents had a huge influence on my moral decisions.

It still felt wrong though. Having made the right decision to walk away could have never hurt me as much as it did in that moment because from then on I had no one to love me the way she did. The burning wind must have been below ten degrees at least but I couldn't care less. My body ached as if I'd just ran a marathon and I stood there tiredly wiping at the moisture that was invading my cheeks. I didn't get to see her after our kiss with those beautiful green eyes open because her eyelids remained closed. She probably foresaw what was to come.

I started walking in the direction of the University because God knew I couldn't go back in after that. Wiping furiously at my tears my pace quickened as time went on and my make up was most likely non-existent by now. I reached the campus and followed the route to Ally's room without even thinking. With my palm open I banged on the door urgently, receiving strange looks from girls who were heading out to spend their Friday night at parties or something of the sort.

"Urgh what the...., I said I'm....," she paused her cursing when she saw me. "Mila? What are you doing here?"

"You don't want me? I can leave if you'd like?" I laughed sadly.

"Get in here idiot," she grabbed me by my jacket sleeve and pulled me into her room and onto the bed. "Okay. I need details. What the fudge happened? You were supposed to go on a date with Zayn tonight but instead you look like someone stole your lab reports and ripped them into twenty seven pieces."

"How does my lab report being torn up show me being upset," I asked quizzically.

"Aaahhh, so you're upset," she smirked.

"Wait, what? No. No I'm not," I tried to cover my slip up.

"Yeah yeah. Cut the crap and spill. What happened?"

I was hesitant at first but her expression showed nothing but care and concern. So I told her what went down between me and Lo. She was patient throughout it all, even when I had to stop because I was choking on my own tears she held me whilst giving me a few words of solace before allowing me to continue.