AMACon 3: Oikos Omnibus

Allegretto

RJ could not grasp it well.

It has been a decade since then but he still could not comprehend why it still felt like time stopped; why it felt like people still lived in an era he wishes to forget. People get older and memories fade but he could not dodge the stares most are giving him. He felt like a stranger in a place he used to reside; a place that he loved even in those dark days.

He walks through town, his heart heavy. Is this what's supposed to feel like when you're back?

"RJ, is that you?"

He stops and turns to the sound of the voice. "Hey, Dave. Long time no see" he says as he approaches a friend he has not seen in a long time.

He looks at his friend of his earlier years and sighs. They are all the same; they recognize the past that continues to drown him in prejudice and judgment. When will I ever escape?

"This is a small town; I heard you were back..."

RJ just nods and tries his best to seem unaffected; a skill he mastered all these years. "It's nice to meet you again, Dave. I'll see you around." He walks away and tries to not look back; his heart heavy with every step he makes.

He looks at the sky, a familiarity trying to devour him. He used to love sunsets as a child. The feeling he gets whenever he stares up the sky: a whirlwind of warmth and security as dusk breaks. Sunsets always reminds him of gratitude for the day well-spent. But everything can change in an instant: what was once his comfort is now a reminder of a past he has buried into the deepest part of his memories.

"Dad, why do people cry?"

"There are many reasons but two kinds of tears stand above the rest, son. Tears that are shed out of sheer happiness..."

"Like what I feel when you and Mom come back from work? Or when you give me gifts? Or when we take road trips?" RJ smiles and looks at his father who in return ruffles his hair.

"Yes. Or when you ask for ice cream when your Mom doesn't agree but I give it to you anyway..."

RJ smiles at his Dad "I like that..." he then looks at him with child-like curiosity "but what is the other reason?"

His Dad sighs and says "Tears are also shed if you lose something you don't want to lose. If your heart feels like it just lost a part of it. When you mourn for something you know you cannot bring back. When you feel sad, you will cry."

He looks at his father in wonder "When you feel sad? But everyone at school told me not to cry 'coz I'm a big boy now. They say we should just move on and try not to."

His Dad just smiles at him "There's nothing wrong in showing your emotions, RJ. It means you can feel, it means you have a heart"

RJ wraps his short limbs around his father's waist and cries "Don't leave me....always stay with me."

His father smiles "Don't worry, child. I won't"

"But you did, and now here we are; me alone in a familiar place, just like the last time I was here."

RJ continues to walk remembering the fond memory of his father's smile: full of warmth and a promise that they won't leave him alone. But circumstances change and life often plays tricks on you.

He was so deep within his thoughts when he hadn't noticed that he finally arrives at his destination. He caresses the tombstone and traces the heading:

In loving memory of
Ben and Celestine Faulkerson
Who lived their life as loving parents, friend and neighbor.
Gone too soon.

"In loving memory, how cliché" He says to himself. Memories should often fade away into the night not haunt a person for years. These are the reasons why he chose to escape a town he knew would not forgive and understand the pain he also went through.

If only he could wipe it all away.
If only he could not feel anything.
If only.

But isn't this the reason you chose to come back RJ; to make peace with the past? He reminds himself. This will be painful but its time to let go of it. He traces the stone and notices that he isn't alone.

"Hi, Mom. Hi, Dad. Little Maine is back"

RJ stood rooted in his spot and tries not to look at the sound of her voice: a wave of familiarity and nostalgia washes over him. He tries his best not to stop and stare like the person he was all those years ago but she makes it so hard for him to do just that. After all, it has been years; years of isolating himself from everyone and now she's here, in a place he least expects.

"So, I'll be back soon." She whispers and walks away the moment he turns his head to look at her; the moment he whiffs that familiar scent of rose and pines, he stood there mesmerized looking at her retreating back with her long brown hair softly fluttering in the wind like all those years ago.

Memories often fade just like a fleeting moment, but those that matter stay embedded in your soul; a reminder of a past you should not forget: both the good and the bad.

"Have you settled yet, child?" The elderly woman says to him that night.

"I think I will. I'll survive, like always"

She looks at him and says "Okay, and I hope this time you won't run away."

"Gramma?" He says which made the elder woman look at him, as he sat there fiddling his thumbs like the child he once was.

"Yes?"

"I saw her."

"Who?"

"Maine." He says and looks at the elder woman in the eye. She could only tap his shoulder in comfort as she smiles softly at the child she loved, a broken one. If only she could take away the sadness and guilt from his eyes.

"Well, you should go talk to her."