AMACon 3: Oikos Omnibus

Mezzo Forte

“Dad…Mom….please don’t leave me. Please don’t…”

RJ wakes up with a start. He hasn’t had those dreams in quite a long time. He looks at his surroundings and stares at the break of dawn. He remembers yesterday: how Dave brought back all the guilt, how his feet took him her and how Maine collapsed.

Maine.

He looks around in panic and sees her staring back at him.
“Are you alright?” he asks her.

She tries to sit up. “I’m fine.” She glances at him and looks out the window “The rain has stopped.” A beat passes “I know you, RJ. Your name has been whispered across town all those years ago.”

He looks at her in awe. How could she know him? It then dawned upon him that she is talking to him, someone who prefers quiet is talking to him.

She closes her eyes and they sit in silence once more.

They developed this routine in the succeeding days with them sitting in silence and her opening up little by little. Gramma Rosa often looks at him in recognition but does not question; something he is thankful for.

“Do you ever feel lonely?” he asks her one day.

She looks at him “What do you mean lonely?”

“That you ARE alone; that you would live your life in this eternity of trying to just….survive.”

She looks at him and sighs “How could I even feel lonely, when I don’t even know what that means?” She looks away and continues “They say tears are a sign of weakness or of strength; but how could I even recognize either one if I haven’t even experienced it?”

“You know what? I envy you.” He says and Maine looks at him quite confused. “Contrary to the fact that you wish to at least feel, I wanted to be like you. I wanted to erase my ability to feel. All those years ago, I wanted everything to disappear.”

She continues to look at him “Is that why you followed me all those years ago? Why you follow me when you came back?”

“I wanted to know what it felt like. I wanted to know…”

“Nothing.” She says and she really looks at him. “You’ll feel an endless pit within you that even if you try to fill it, it will never be enough. You will be left wondering how normal fells like. It’s a curse to be born without having the ability to feel the emotions, RJ. So don’t envy me. Rather be thankful that you are…normal.”

“You said yesterday that you loved the rain because it reminded you of the tears you wish you could shed.” He says to her and she nods “And the sun?”

She looks at him, the familiar gaze keep boring right into his soul.

“Don’t tell me you love the sun because it could give your heart the warmth you wish you felt.” He continues.

She looks at him and by chance he saw a flicker of recognition in her eyes. She looks away and says “You mock me, RJ. But you don’t know what being clueless feels like. It’s like trying to smile when it doesn’t reach your eyes; trying to sympathize when your heart won’t try and it’s like trying to be sad when you are just that….nothing.”

They sit in silence once more.

Over and over they do the same routine, over and over they talk until it becomes a habit; something that they look forward to everyday. He becomes more open and she tries to converse more; something that they both needed.

“It was my fault.” He finally says one day. She looks at him, curiosity evident. “It was my fault that they died.”

“Who died?”

“My parents, and a dear friend’s” He says. “I should’ve been the one that’s gone.”

“Dad…Dad....you sould look at this! I made a paper wreath. Dad…Dad!”

“RJ, I’ll look at it later, I’m driving.”

“RJ, let your Dad drive we need to get home before this downpour.”

“But I want him to see this”
His father smiles and took a glance “Okay, let me see…”

“Dad!”

“Honey!”

All he could remember was a flash of light then darkness.

“It was your fault.” She says and RJ looks at her “it was clearly your fault. But you have to remember RJ, you were merely a child that time.”

He looks at her in awe and they sit in silence once more.

“You know, it’s the first time I’ve seen you smile in a while.” Gramma Rosa says to him.

“You know, it’s been a while since I saw you here.” Maria adds and he just shakes his head.

“Gramma, is it time to forgive myself?”

The elderly woman looks at him and says “You need to talk to him and try to leave the past where it belongs.”

That’s what RJ was thinking the whole time he was walking through the familiar route; that’s what he was thinking about when he finds himself standing in front of the house as he lets out a sigh and knocks.

“What the hell are you doing here?”

“I’m sorry….”

“Your sorry is a decade too late, RJ. You will never understand the pain I went through. You will never understand. You don’t belong here.” He says as he slams the door.

“Dave…”

RJ could only stare at the closed door. Just like what he said, he doesn’t deserve the forgiveness; he doesn’t deserve to forget. He will carry this burden for as long as he lives.

That thought alone once again buried him in a pit of despair.