Dangerously Discontent

Burhan is in love?

I was reading a book by William Faulkner, there was a line somewhere 'perhaps they were right to put love into books,perhaps it couldn't survive anywhere else'

True and so he writes and so I write....

My love for Burhan is causing me anxiety and sometimes I fear that my love for him is haraam.I fear punishment, I fear that if I don't end up confessing,it would turn me mad. Though I talk to Ameena every night,my deed to confess is low. I turn dry over subjects that are not to my interest,to be honest I have no interest to anything if doesn't adhere to Burhan. I'm trying to see Burhan more these days but as difficult as it should be for love,he is never available for a single instance. He spends all afternoons with Uncle and night with his brother or playing games with Tufayl and the rest of the boys. I'm sometimes I'm vexed by his comfort to love in peace when I'm exasperate to seek him. At other times when he needs me I'm in complex. When he talks,though indeed those times are less frequent. I doubt him,his love for me.

He looks like a man in love but is this man in love with me?

When these storms were hurling inside me I knew not when Tufayl and Aabish settled beside in our room.

"Brother Burhan!" Tufayl whispered to the girls.

"What about him?" I issued my wild interest.

"Why are you interrupting!" Masirah hushed me.

"What is going on!?" I asked again.

"Tufayl heard Brother Burhan talk on the phone that he is in love with someone and he was acquiring lessons to pursue her"
Aabish whispered in my ear.

My mouth went dry and the nerves in my body stood on the edge as I asked "who is he in love with?"

"He says he is trying to confine her sister's interest to reach her these days and he also said he believed she is in love with him too; awhile she's been smiling a lot" he said as Mawra entered.

As she too had to be educated about the ongoings, I stood pale and emotionless,all the things in my head rushed and ripped itself but when my eyes were restlessly moving, my gaze fell upon Mawra who grew alarmed and somewhat subsequently changed in her movements,her facial expressions grew into a a state of uncomfort and guilt.

Mawra has been smiling all day....the past few days Mawra has been questioned on why has she been smiling so much?

It all started to weave now in my head,all instances. He's been trying to confide in me to talk with Mawra? And she's been seen with him as well,she has called for me whenever she has seen me with him and she always smiled in a particular way after.She have tried to scoop out information of what I've been talking to him.....he's in love with Mawra.....how could I not know!

My heart ached in a outburst of sudden drop of my nerves.

It was clear that she chanted them away saying they should leave. Mehreen on the other hand showed no change in her,she is unaware. Masirah was smirking at Mawra,she knows! She knows?....why? Why! Why!!!

I bolted out of the room,how could Burhan do this to me! On my way I saw Burhan leaving with my Uncle for some work. When he smiled at me,I detested him in anger.

I hide myself from everybody and cried in the back lawn. An hour later the pain in me did not depleted a bit,I was poisoned with his thoughts and I couldn't even grieve about him because after all his wasn't mine ever...

Aabish came near me and laid aside.

"Why are you sitting here alone ?" He asked,I didn't answer.
He continued "you realize there is a certainty that my dad would come tomorrow"

I don't want to hear any of this.

"I don't understand Noor why Mawra is always smiling so Much these days I mean it is tragic,it hurts me" he tried to make me laugh but it didn't work,it was the evidence; now proved that it was Mawra who Burhan loves...

"Your brother is a nut,he doesn't even  hears before starting a gossip,well that makes him a perfect gossiper but the end quote of your brother sounded a bit pasted from his own screen"
He went on,I didn't understand. "What do you mean?" I asked.

"I don't think Mawra or any one in the house is the one Burhan loves....I mean. He could mean via text he's connecting to her sister and via face time her cookie is smiling"
He explains. He's right,it could be a possibility after all he rises from his room only from evening to night. None of us knows to what he does all DAY behind his phone.

But where's the good news still?

"You suspect Mawra?" I asked.

"Not really, she's a can-food and brother Burhan hunts for fresh" he answered mocking her sister which made me laugh at his uncertainty. "Why are you sad though?" He asked raising himself from the ground.

"Because your Dad is coming tomorrow" I joked.

"Ugh, a devil's visit can't be resisted for long though the cook should know how to torment him" he winked at me.

"No way! I'm not doing anything to the food tomorrow. You dare tell me so!" I jumped back. "Just a little motion breaker to his food,ya come on Noir,I'm your best friend" he came closer.

I ran back and he followed me urging me to give in to his evil plans. I did not agree but when he went away, the gloom reunited with me. That makes me realize how Aabish is able to pull of my sadness with his single stroke of refreshments on me,I would do anything for him. He isn't my temporary best friend but he's my friend for life! He's been there always,I wouldn't be alright for even a single stance for had he not been beside. I just won't mix any thing to make your Dad sick Aabish even though I should but can't go that way.

That day went far most the longest and heavy. I sat in the room all day noticing Mawra,her habits she has made she's these few days,she smiles and smiles over and there's a faint fuschia on her cheeks. I can't think about losing Burhan to her.. I don't want it to be her. I would fight if it would be anybody else but not Mawra,she is my sister!

Now I prayed that it just wasn't Mawra. Zara came to the room,she looked splendid,it's seldom to see face hold these emotions. "We have a surprise for you M--" she was interrupted by Enaya who held her mouth by her hands. I was much in despair to attend any surprise. I looked at Aabish and raised my eyebrow," Maybe they had planned Mehreen's birthday part for tomorrow" he answered uninterested.

Oh...I don't know if I can pull myself through a party with this face being unquestioned.

I was making coffee when I heard a hiss,I turned to see Burhan calling me,I don't know why but I'm mad at him. I ignored and vented out as far and safe from his sight.

Idiot! He's an idiot!
Why ! God why ! Do I have to be in love with him! My anger turned into tears, why did I admitted that I love him,why did I admire him! Why I did come here.....my tears turned into sobs,my hands begin to shiver,it's hurting more than I expected it too. Why don't you love me Burhan? I would do anything to love you.