Hopeless. // FWxNS

chapter three

"I'm outta my head hopelessly devoted to you."

Noah

-

I haven't talked to Finn for a week. After the whole 'incident' at his house, he hadn't talked to me. We didn't talk at school, not outside of school. I'm pretty that he, Millie, Gaten, and Caleb had all hung out. 

Without me. I've cried every night this week. 

I can't stop thinking about him. About the way I felt when he held my hand. Now that he's simply done something as simple as that, all I want to do is feel his embrace. It's like the steady flow of tears streaming down my cheeks will continue until I'm pulled into the arms of him. I've thought about reaching out to him, but what would I even say to him? That I'm sorry if I made him question his sexuality? Or I'm sorry that I let him make that mistake?

It's all just making me go insane. All of this thinking. I feel like my head is going to explode. I can't concentrate on anything. I can't remember the last time I left my room. Everything is numb. 

I thought it was hard when I couldn't tell Finn about my feelings. But now, he has to know, right? I mean, you don't just hold hands with someone you don't have feelings for, do you? 

I take that back. Apparently he does. 

My thoughts are making me go insane. Nobody notices anything wrong. Not even Millie. She's so caught up in her feelings for her new neighbor, we haven't talked in weeks. It's crazy, how fast your entire world can change. I don't even feel like Noah Schnapp anymore. It's like I'm just the shell of who I once was. I can barely breathe under the weight of all of this. I'm barely me. 

It's 6 in the morning, but I haven't slept. I can't sleep, not when everything is like this. I can barely keep going. I get up to go to the bathroom occasionally, and I can't even look at myself in the mirror. I'm completely pale, and I look exactly how I feel. Nobody has checked in on me, I'm not even sure if I'm here anymore. Maybe I'm invisible as I feel. It feels like it's constantly dark outside, and my skin is as white as paper. 

I can see the sun starting to rise from my bed. I'm on my side, so I'm faced to look straight out the window. The sun doesn't look like it feels like shining today. Maybe it has feelings for the moon, and it's stressed. The sun doesn't feel like shining, and I don't feel like living. 

I hear my phone buzz next to me, but I can't stop staring at the sun. I know that the sun doesn't have human feelings, but what if it did? Would it feel tired? Would it feel underappreciated?

Would it feel like I feel right now?

If I were the sun, I'd be exhausted. Having to rise every morning, and warm people, keep them alive. Without the sun, we'd die, but people still seem to ignore it. There's only one difference between me and the sun. 

Nobody would die without me. I don't think anyone would even realize that I'm gone. I'm practically already a dead man walking. Nobody even cares about me anymore. Everyone has someone better, but not me.

Finn was my someone better. Countless sleepovers, movie nights, late night snacks, deep talks about our future. And I'm scared. Scared that I'll never get someone like that again. Someone who always looks after me. Someone that makes sure they always had my favorite snacks when I came over. Someone that lets me use their extra pair of clothes when I trip into a puddle.

Someone who cares about me as much as I care about them.

I'm also nervous. Nervous about seeing Finn again. Nervous to pass him by on set. 

Nervous that I'll never stop feeling like this, that I'll never get over him.

I can see myself in 25 years, laying down in this very bed. I'm all grown up, but I'm still the same child on the inside. I'm still the same broken soul. I stare longingly out the window. Finn is married now. Millie moved on. Caleb and Dustin are still doing projects together. But me? I haven't gotten a haircut in months. Apparently no one ever taught me how to shave, and my body odor was so strong, it was suffocating. When did I last shower? Nothing mattered to me anymore. I had no one, nobody even remembered me being alive. I was no one to the entire world. 

I was snapped out of my daydream by another buzz from my phone. I rolled over in my bed, figuring it was probably just a fan tagging me in a photo, or a notification for some app that I don't even use anymore. 

"Noah?"

"I'm coming over."

My heart did a flip in my chest. Finn. He couldn't see me like this, but I had no motivation anymore. There was no point, absolutely no point. I texted my mom, asking her to please let Finn in when he arrives. I put my phone back down on the nightstand, sighing a bit. 

I laid back down, staring out the window once again. Finn didn't live far, and I knew that he wouldn't take long to get here. I stared back at the sun, wondering if it would have enough strength to do this. I simply laid there, so lost in my thoughts, that I didn't hear the soft footsteps going up the staircase by my room. 

My door creaked open, but I didn't care. I didn't even look, in fear that I would break down in tears. I simply stared out at the sky. 

"Noah, I-" He started. I could hear his voice crack, and it sounded as if he were trying not to cry. 

It broke my heart into a million pieces. I had to look at him. He's confused. He's just confused. 

There were so many things I wanted to say to him that I couldn't. The least I can do is roll over. I can do this, I can do this. You've been broken because of this boy for over a week.

Tears began to well up in my eyes. I didn't roll over, I couldn't look at him. I felt someone lie down on the side of my bed. He was moving closer, and his arms slowly went around me. I was shaking like crazy, and I began to cry. Lately, I hadn't cried. I just felt so blank. But here I was, sobbing in his arms. He didn't say anything. He just held me. He held me like I've wished for him to over and over and over again. I felt so weak, and I still felt numb. 

But I felt better in his embrace. I felt like he was slowly putting me back together, even though he was the one who first tore me apart. He rested his chin on my shoulder, and gently kissed the crook of my neck.

Through my tears, I could see a small ray of sunlight peak through my window. 

Maybe this was all worth it. 

-

ok so idk if this is even that good please leave some opinions/critiques please