Hopeless. // FWxNS

explanation and gratituity

(note: I am a cisgender female)

TW: mentions of su*c*de (barely, I just want you all to be safe)

Hello. If you've made it to this chapter, you're probably not happy with the way this story ended. I'm going to be honest, 13 year old me would been too. This story just isn't me anymore. It used to be an outlet for me to test my creativity, but after a year, it started to feel like a chore. Now, I'm not inspired by the storyline at all, and I just never foresaw myself writing the ending I wanted to originally. I lost the fire I had when I started the story, and I know it doesn't seem like it, but that's a good thing.

I thought I was the Noah character I wrote. Literally, I framed him the way that I viewed myself back then. I was thirteen when I started this story, and I thought I was bisexual. Now, I identify as straight, but back then, I swore I was attracted to girls as well. I don't necessarily think that younger kids don't know who they are, but I surely didn't. I blame it on a girl I once met on the internet. For privacy purposes, I will call her Belle.

Belle was older than me by a few years. I forget exactly how many. She was, and still is, very pretty, but back then, I thought I was romantically attracted to her. I knew that she herself was a lesbian. She was out to me, but no one else at the time.

She used to tell me I was pretty, and that she loved me. That she wanted to spend her whole life with me. At 13, I didn't know what to do about this. She told me not to get in any relationships, to wait for her. And I wanted to. I planned out a life with her. I swore to follow her to whatever college she went to. We talked about our future together. She'd tell me she wanted to meet me in person, that she wanted to hold my hand, and kiss me. I believed her. I longed for this to happen. I thought about her constantly. I practically cried myself to sleep thinking about how I couldn't just meet her right there, and how she wasn't there to hold me at night.

I know this sounds ridiculous; I was in middle school. But she took advantage of how naive I was. I don't want to get into some of these details, but I assure you, they weren't pretty. And even though she swore she loved me, she didn't follow her own rules. She got a boyfriend. She would ignore me some nights, yet she would threaten to k*ll herself if I didn't stay up with her on others. There were just a lot of things that I did that she didn't seem to like.

But she made me believe that I was in love with her, and I don't think I ever was. When I think about it, I always pictured her as a boy. I don't know why. But when we held hands in my thoughts, it wasn't a girl I was with.

She would explain to me that I did like girls, and I did like her. She told me how to feel about things. I think she somehow planted this in my head, and it's just so hard to explain.

I am the Noah in this story, because I didn't understand my feelings. I didn't understand anything. Noah was a character with a head full of thoughts that no one seemed to understand, or at least he felt like no one did. He wanted that one boy so bad, just as I thought I wanted her.

I've grown out of this. After 3 years, I finally cut her off. I finally freed myself. And when I freed myself, I no longer wanted to write this story, because it reminded me of everything that I didn't want to be reminded of.

I've never told anyone about this, but you guys have a right to know, especially out of getting screwed out of the ending you deserved.

Finally, thank you guys for being my outlet. This story got more views than I could've ever imagined, and the overwhelming support made things easier on me.

If you made it this far, just know I love you, and I care about you. I check up on this account sometimes, and I get all messages/comments to my email, so if you ever need a friend/someone to talk to, please reach out.❤️